Jeff Grant Talks About Himself in the Third Person (Part 2)

Jeff Grant had such a wonderful time talking about himself as if he was another person on his blog Friday night. Feeling inspired and trying to hold on tight to his life-long creative goal to take time to write down any halfway interesting thought that enters his brain, Grant grabbed the same black notebook again at 8:17 on Saturday morning to continue his experiment.

Friday night, on the way home from the coffee shop, Jeff stopped by the local Blockbuster Video to see if they had any specials.  It turned out that that had a sale.  50% off on all previously viewed movies (which was advertised on about 100 little pink pieces of paper that were impossible to miss). Grant, though trying to pinch his pennies, decided to look at what they had since the movies were so cheap.  He didn’t know if it would be a bad way to spend his money but he tried to reason with himself because Blockbuster had such an excellent selection of previously viewed movies (in Jeff’s opinion).

First he found a widescreen copy of The Dark Knight, a movie Jeff had hoped to own ever since he saw it the previous summer at the Green Hills movie theater.  Since it was only $6.50 he thought it would be a good idea to purchase it.  From there Grant saw a copy of I’m Not There for five dollars and stacked it in his hands next to the Batman movie. Next, he saw a copy of the movie Drillbit Taylor for four dollars.  Jeff had not yet seen this film though he had considered renting it on at least four prior visits to Blockbuster.  Since Grant is a fan of Owen Wilson (the star of the movie) and Seth Rogen (one of it’s writers), Grant decided that he would probably at least learn something from the investment.

After finding these three he stumbled upon a copy of Star Wars: The Clone Wars for $6.50.  Jeff had rented this movie for free seven nights prior to his current Blockbuster visit.  He had remembered when the film came out in theaters that though unsure if it would be worth seeing in the theater, the computer animated Star Wars movie looked like it would be a most excellent rental movie later on.  After renting the movie Grant decided that his original hunch was correct.  He did enjoy the movie as a rental.  He thought while watching it that it would be worth owning so on this particular Friday evening Grant added it to his already ballooning collection of half-priced previously viewed d.v.d.s.

After finding four movies he told himself that he would need to be making his escape quick so as not to add too many more.  It was then that Grant’s eyes fell upon a second shelf of half-priced previously viewed d.v.d.s that could only be described as “the crappy shelf”.  On a quick, unspoken, personal dare to himself, Grant walked over to peruse the leftovers.  He ended up finding a copy of a movie he had rented once for a dollar and enjoyed quite a bit:  Hot Rod.  This movie stars the Saturday Night Live comic Andy Samberg in a role originally written for Will Ferrell.  When Grant rented this movie previously he watched it at about midnight one Friday night.  He could not control himself and he laughed hysterically.  He laughed so much in fact that his roommate who was sleeping in the other room had to get up out of his bed to come and ask Grant if he would please stop laughing because it was very loud and obnoxious.  Grant apologized and spent the next hour trying his best to laugh hysterically at the lowest possible volume level.  It ended up being a physically confusing and painful experience.

Since Hot Rod was only $2.50 Grant decided that it would be foolish to pass it up.  Also, it would make sense for Grant to purchase an Andy Samberg movie since Grant had logged so much time recently on youtube watching all sorts of hilarious Andy Samberg videos.

Grant walked up to the counter to check his damage.  It was five movies for around 28 dollars.  Grant knew that it was too much.  He would have to give up a video, perhaps one of the more expensive ones.  He scanned his stack.  It did not take long for Grant to commit himself to The Dark Knight and The Clone Wars.  This left the Bob Dylan movie I’m Not There as the movie to toss.  Grant took a moment to think of all of his musician friends who would beat him up if they knew that he had chosen Batman and Star Wars over Dylan and told himself to remember to not blog about it later on (which he later forgot to not do).  In the end he decided to take the hit and save five dollars.

The total for four worth-owning movies was $21.26.  Grant told himself that he would buy some food at Kroger and eat in for the weekend to make up for it.  Then he told himself what a smart guy he was for thinking through his finances so painstakingly.  Perhaps he should have his own radio show about how to achieve financial freedom…

Just a thought…

Grant spent Saturday morning doing his weekly laundry and trying to figure out how he would clean his room.  

It was then that he realized that it was Valentine’s Day.  Then he remembered how he thought Valentine’s day was a dumb holiday.  Grant was the type of person to go very far out of his way to maintain his singleness.  So a day to celebrate people coupling off had normally seemed like a waste of time and money in Grant’s cold hearted opinion.  He wasn’t bitter about people finding love or whatever, he just always felt that there were so many millions of things to do that were better than hanging out with the same person over and over again.  Grant often considered the fact that a person only lives once and it baffled his brain why any sane person would want to spend so much of their valuable and always-disappearing time on something as nerve wracking and smothering as romance.

Grant had a personal theory that romantic love was 99% peer pressure.  It  just seemed such a cliche and predictable thing for a person to do…

And it wasn’t that Jeff Grant was hoping to rain on anybody’s freaky love parade, he just simply couldn’t help but feeling a certain bit of pride in he near flawless run with singleness.  He pitied the hoards of boring zombie people dedicating their only God-given lives to trying to maintain a love-type of relationship with another boring, zombie person…  all while hoping to create whole new generations of miniature boring, zombie people.  

On this note Grant decided that he probably had nothing else worth saying to the internet so he tried to think of a quick way to end his entry for the day.

He thought and thought but never figured out a cute way to sign off.

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