Lamps and the Science of Lying Hearts

I have a lamp in this room here.  It’s got 3 places for bulbs.  I’ve only got 2 screwed in.  I always turn it on when I’m at my computer.  It gets dark in here without it and the low light has an effect on my mood.  The knobs to turn the lights on and off got broken off so now I have to use pliers to switch them on and off.  It’s sort of annoying.  Yesterday I couldn’t get one of the lights to turn off so I tried something new.  I unplugged it from the wall.  That did the trick.  Then when I got back last night it took me about 20 minutes of frustrated plier twisting to remember that the lamp was unplugged.  That all would’ve made for a really funny 40-minute youtube video.

I’m talking about this lamp because it’s important to me.  It really does change the mood in this room when it’s not on.  There’s a nice bright glow in here right now because of it.  And it affects my mood.  I’m not trying to say anything profound here, it’s just something that I think about for 5 seconds pretty much every day.  I admire the glow of my lamp.  I appreciate the mental gifts it brings.  I don’t know.  It makes this room feel more welcoming and warmer somehow (warmer psychologically, not temperature-wise).  I like looking at all the little doo dads on my desk when the light is shining on them.  My multicolored Sharpies look cool.  My external harddrive looks amazing.  Some scribbles I did on a notecard just… blow my mind.

Sometimes I just sit here and think about how much I enjoy writing, without actually writing.  Sometimes I do this for 6 hours at a time.  That’s supposed to be a joke but it’s also a true statement.  I wish you could log the hours you think about writing into your writing hours.  Because I really do spend a lot of time appearing as if I’m doing nothing, but I’m a very active inactive person.  Sometimes you’ve just gotta sit still and let your thoughts circle around.  And I can be a slow thinker.  I’m always tempted to think I’m not doing anything, that I’m wasting my time.  But I don’t know if that’s true.  I think writing requires this weird incubating time.  And I’m not trying to justify not doing anything, I think I’m talking about a real thing here.

I’ve been talking about a writing project that I’ve been working on but feeling frustrated by.  That’s EVERY writing project until it’s finished, of course.  I was thinking about that thing yesterday and trying to figure out if my holdup is from laziness or just the fact that the idea actually sucks and won’t work.  Both are possible but I was starting to feel that maybe this one just isn’t meant to be.  I have this thing where I try to listen to my heart about this stuff.  Actually, this is a new thing.  And I know it sounds silly but I’m gonna see if it works.  This is how I measure it… see, sometimes my heart feels stubby about an idea but then I just keep trying to force it to work… and sometimes my heart feels warm and happy about an idea.  And usually I have mixed feelings about ALL of my ideas so… Sorry, I’m trying to scientific here..  I don’t think I have to like every one of my ideas all the time.  It’s probably okay to feel dumb about some of them.  Hmm…

I don’t know if my heart is going to lead me in the right direction here.  It might lie to me (you just never know with these things).  Sometimes the hocus pocus talk works and sometimes it’s the rigid science.  Hmm… but if you can apply science to the hocus pocus…

Pardon me, I need to go sit still and appear to be doing nothing for a few hours..

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