Honey, I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel (Full Script)

Hey.  Jeff here.  I wanted to say a few words about this 
before you dive in.  This was the first screenplay I ever 
finished.  I think it was around June of 2010 when I did.  
This was after a long couple of years of trying to teach myself 
how to write screenplays.  I'd always wanted to try it, 
way back in my mind, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet.  
I had several false starts and I realized my biggest problem 
was that I was losing interest in my stories before I could 
get anywhere with them.  I spent a few days trying 
to figure out what the heck I could write about and be interested 
enough to actually finish the thing.  It was a combination of 3 
things that sparked the idea for this story.

1) I was trying to find something to watch on TV late one night 
and "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid" was on.  And I had this weird 
excitement and as I watched it I was trying to figure out why I 
liked stories about people getting shrunk or blown up.  I decided 
it was because I was entertained by how they had to interact with 
everyday items in new ways because of their size.  It just seemed 
interesting to me. I got a dime and drew a little stick figure 
on a piece of paper the size of it and tore it out and went around 
the house just seeing how big everything would be to someone that size.

2) One day when I was writing Entertainment Tonight came on 
the TV and they were talking about some celebrity couple that 
I just didn't care about and it was annoying me.  Then I thought 
about Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard and how I was more interested 
in them as a celebrity couple.

3) I have a fascination with how people are always on the internet 
these days and how they intertact with others and make videos on 
youtube and all this. I wanted to write something about a geeky 
internet community. 

These things all came together one night and the title "Honey,
I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel" came to my mind
so I laughed and wrote it down quick.  I decided to try writing 
it and had a lot of fun putting it together over about 6-8 weeks.  
I wouldn't say it's "Citizen Kane" but I was personally very proud 
of myself for finally finishing a longer piece of writing 
(which was a real challenge for somebody who mostly writes 
short things like songs!).

I'm a little disappointed because I wrote this in screenplay 
format and I wish I could share it with all the right indentions 
and everything but I can't figure out how to do it on wordpress.
Hopefully it will still make sense.  I've posted a link to a 
downloadable pdf for this before but I think this will be much 
easier for people to read.  My goal originally was for it to 
be 120 pages but I think it's only around 60.  So it would 
probably end up being an hour TV special instead of a full 
length movie.  It's supposed to be in the vein of "Honey, I 
Shrunk the Kids" and "Being John Malkovich" with some sprinklings 
of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".  That's what I was going 
for.

And I should also add that I don't personally know Zooey Deschanel 
or Ben Gibbard or any of the real people in this story.  I'm just 
a fan like the guys in the story (well, maybe not as BIG a fan as 
those guys..).  

Here you go.

Honey, I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel  

INT. A COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY OR NIGHT

A mouse travels across a computer screen. The controller of it is 
never revealed. It goes about some normal web surfing for a moment. 
Suddenly, a link to a trailer for "Weirdo Love" pops up. The mouse 
goes over curiously and clicks it.

The trailer for the movie plays. A gruff-voiced NARRATOR says 
these lines over brief images.

Narrator (V.O.)

This summer...

A helicopter shot passing over a small town.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

...see what happens...

A front door opens mysteriously.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

...when a shy artsy guy...

A shy artsy guy scribbles into his notebook, trying not to be 
seen.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

..with a low level of confidence...

The shy artsy guy looks bashful.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

..spots a bombshell...

ZOOEY DESCHANEL flings her hair back over her head in slow 
motion. The shy artsy guy's mouth drops and his eyes expand.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

...of the highest pedegree...

In a big house a MAID hands Zooey a silver plate with vitamins 
on it.

Maid

Your vitamins, m' dear..

ZOOEY

(knocks plate away)

I HATE vitamins!!!

NARRATOR (V.O.)

..and tries to woo her...

Shy artsy guy is talking to Zooey, who is looking away, 
unimpressed.

Shy Artsy Guy

(looking at his shoes)

I was just uh... wondering if you wanted to get some soda 
pop..

NARRATOR (V.O.)

..using techniques from popular culture.

The shy artsy guy holds a boom box over his head (like 
in Say Anything) that is playing "I Will Always Love You" 
by Whitney Houston (like in The Bodyguard).

NARRATOR (V.O.)

He almost gets the girl...

Zooey is standing next to him, suddenly smiling.

ZOOEY

You're kind of cute...

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Until he starts acting...

Guy gets a devilish grin and his face starts to turn 
red like a cartoon.

SHY ARTSY GUY

(manically with his hands in the air)

YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!

Zooey runs off, afraid.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

..like a weirdo.

Guy is alone, doing cartwheels in the sunset. The title 
hits the screen right as it's being said-

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Weirdo Love... this film is not yet rated.

End trailer.

The unseen user goes to google and types in "zoey 
deshenel".. This pulls up a list of sites. 4 down is one 
called www.thezooeyzone.com. The mouse clicks it.

Now we're at The Zooey Zone Website. There are a few 
things going on but in the center of the page is a youtube 
video titled "Zooey Q & A This Saturday at _______!!!!" 
The mouse clicks it.

The video loads and a hefty, bearded 25-year old guy is 
doing one of those talking-to-the-screen videos. This is 
BULL CAVE, the webmaster of The Zooey Zone.

bull

(straight to the camera)

Hey hey hey, fellow Zooeyacs. I've got great news for any 
of you who are gonna be in the Los Angeles area this weekend. 
Our queen Zooey will be making a special appearance at 
_________. Sources tell me that there will be a live Q and A 
session and that she might be signing autographs. It's a 
promotional event for her new movie Weirdo Love, which as we 
all know comes out next weekend. Now, I wanted to let you guys 
know that I will personally be attending the event with my 
fellow Zooey Zone ambassador, Drew Hummer. He's the second-in-
command-guy at the site and I've been showing him the ropes. 
This means that we will hopefully be able to do some videoing 
during the event. The goal is to get the footage up on the internet 
as soon as we can.... Anyway, I don't have much else to say. I 
hope to see some of you there in person... Okay, that's it.

Video shuts off.

INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - THURSDAY NIGHT

Bull sits at his desk in a dark room, talking to his computer. 
This is him at the end of the recording we just saw. He starts 
to load it up to youtube and then he crawls into bed and stares 
at the screen as it goes through the loading process.

INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING

Bull is awake. It's the same room but now it's the next morning. 
Bull picks up his cell phone and dials a number. The phone rings 
3 times and then goes to voice mail.

Bull

(into the phone)

Hey man, it's me. I was just calling to remind you about 
Saturday. I'm sure you haven't forgotten. You're working I 
bet. Well anyway, I was just wanting to flesh out some details. 
Just give me a call whenever you get the chance. Peace.

Hangs up.

INT. MALL CELL PHONE STORE - FRIDAY MORNING

A cell phone attached to a guy's belt goes off informing 
him that he has a new message. This is DREW HUMMER. He is the 
top salesman here at _______. He's in the middle of talking to 
a customer about a cell phone plan.

Drew

... yeah, for your price range you really can't go wrong with 
this model. It's got this sleek, sexy design. A lot of college 
students are getting this one. They come in a few different 
colors... Black. White. Navy blue. Silver... a couple others.

Customer

That sounds nice. Are there any deals going on right now? 
Somebody told me you guys had some deals going.

Drew

As a matter of fact, I think we can do a buy-one-get-another-
for-one-half-off thing.

Customer

That sounds perfect.

Drew

And what colors would you like?

As he's saying this a girl the same age as Drew walks in. 
This is FAITH HAGGARD, Drew's girlfriend. They make eye contact. 
Faith knows the drill. Wait until he's done with the sale...

Customer

(continuing)

Let's go one silver and one... do you have hot pink?

Drew

I think we might have a regular pink in the back.

Customer

Regular pink is fine.

DRew

I'll be right back.

Drew walks quickly to the back and passes Faith. He looks 
at her.

Drew

One moment, Ma'am.

Faith

Take you're time...

Drew runs into the back room for a second. Then he comes 
back out with the phone. He goes to ring up the customer. 
Faith looks around at the phones even though she's seen them 
many times already.

Drew finishes up and the customer leaves. Faith comes up to 
the counter.

Drew

What's up?

Faith

How's it going today?

Drew

Not bad. I've made a few sales. It's been kinda slow though.

Faith

Yeah. Us too...

Drew

Did you just call me?

Faith

No.

Drew

Oh... Must've been Bull.

Faith

Oh, yeah... Bull. What do you think he wanted?

Drew

Did I tell you about that Zooey Deschanel Q & A thing we're 
gonna go to on Saturday?

Faith looks away. Zooey Deschanel isn't her favorite topic.

Faith

Uh.. I don't know. Maybe. What is it?

Drew

It's a question and answer-

Faith

(cutting him off)

I know what a Q & A is!! I mean... is this for that website 
ya'll do?

Drew

Yeah. He wants me to come so I can video tape him asking 
questions to Zooey. He's got these questions prepared and 
everything.

Faith

(rolling her eyes)

I don't understand why ya'll do that. Drew, that guy is 
weird. I don't think you should help him with his website 
about Zooey Deschanel.

Drew

I don't know if I'll do it forever. It's good experience in 
a way. I'm learning about how to update websites and stuff.

Faith

That's fine but, I mean, I'm your girlfriend. It's weird that 
you spend all of this free time devoted to some girl you've 
never met. I guess I'm kinda jealous..

Drew

Don't be jealous. I don't think it'll last very long. I just... 
I like Zooey Deschanel too.

Faith

Well, I like Robert Downey Jr. but I don't have a website 
devoted to him.

Drew

You should hear Bull talk about it. He's really passionate.

Faith

I'm not interested in talking to Bull about Zooey Deschanel! 
Have fun, Drew...

Faith stomps out of the store, trying to prove her point. 
Drew watches her go, silently.

INT. MALL FOOD COURT - LATE FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Drew is sitting at a table in the mall finishing up his dinner. 
He's on a late break. He sips from his soda and picks up his 
cell phone and dials Bull's number. It rings a couple times and then-

Drew

Hey man. What's up?

Bull

Hey, thanks for calling me back. Are you still cool about tomorrow?

Drew

Yeah, definitely. What time does it start?

BUll

Well, the doors open at 9:30 and the event starts at 10:30. 
I wanted to get there early 'cuz I bet there's gonna be a crowd.

Drew

What time are you gonna pick me up?

Bull

How's nine?

Drew

Nine's good. Do you need me to bring anything?

Bull

Not really. Just your camera.. Any more questions?

Drew

Well, one thing..

Bull

What's that?

Drew

I was telling Faith about the event and-

Bull

(cutting him off)

Who's Faith?

Drew

Faith is my girlfriend.

Bull

(unimpressed)

Oh yeah. Continue.

Drew

She's just kinda weirded out about the whole thing. She 
thinks I care more about Zooey than I do about her.

Bull

Well, she just needs to get over that. Zooey wouldn't do that.

Drew

I'm... I'm not dating Zooey, man.

Bull

(getting defensive)

Listen man, if your girl is worth keeping then she'll get 
over that. And if not... well, maybe she isn't worth your time 
anyway.

Drew

We've been going out for 5 years!

Bull

Well, I've been waiting to talk to Zooey for 5 years!

Drew

Oh yeah? ...Uh... You know, I don't care about this argument.

Bull

I don't either.

Drew

See you at 9?

Bull

Cool

They both hang up.

INT. BULL'S MOM'S CAR - SATURDAY MORNING, 9 AM

Bull pulls up in front of Drew's apartment. Drew sees the 
car, comes down and gets in the car.

Bull

Did you remember your camera?

Drew

Yeah, man. I've got it right here.

Opens up his backpack to reveal his video camera.

Bull

This is gonna be radical...

The car drives off.

EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A IS - SAT. MORNING, 9:34 AM

Bull and Drew arrive at the building where the Q & A is. 
They open up the trunk and get out a backpack with a camera 
in it. They walk towards the front door.

Bull

Do you think she'll look different in real life? I've never 
seen her in real life.

Drew

I don't know.

Bull

Is is weird to you that she's real? I keep thinking it's 
weird. I don't think of Zooey as a real person.

Drew

I guess she is. Yeah, that is kinda weird.

Bull

What if our lives change today? What if we see her and we 
become different people? What if our whole lives change?

Drew

Maybe it'll happen. This day already feels so different. 
Maybe this will blow our minds.

Bull

I hope it does. I always want that to happen to me. And I 
really believe it could happen today.

Drew

I'm nervous.

Bull

(with holy awe)

I'm... ready.

INT. THE LOBBY - SAT. MORNING, 9:35 AM

Bull and Drew walk in through some spinning doors. As they 
do they look over and see a janitor that looks pissy, mopping 
the floor. He looks at them with a scowl. Bull and Drew both 
give a "hmm" look and continue walking towards the event room.

INT. EVENT ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 9:36 AM

Bull and Drew walk into a large room filled with many others 
their own age. It looks like a bunch of hipster kids.

They find a spot on the floor and sit down. Some time passes. 
It's now 10:27.

They look up at the stage and ZOOEY DESCHANEL walks in quietly 
and sits down at a table in front of a microphone. Wow. The 
event hasn't started yet. The crowd chatters. It's a nice, 
nervous energy. Zooey smiles at some of the people in the crowd. 
The HOST is on the other end of the table on the stage, 
flipping through some notes in preparation.

Bull

(motioning)

Let's get as close as we can.

Drew nods and follows Bull up to the front pretty close to 
the stage. They are 15 feet from Zooey. Wow.

Bull

(whispering loudly)

She's still hot but she looks more normal in real life.

Zooey can obviously hear him but she tries to act like she 
didn't.

The host walks to the microphone with a few index cards in his 
hands.

Host

(professionally)

Okay, I think we're ready to start.

The people in the crowd wrap up their conversations and look 
at the stage.

Host

You may know today's guest from movies such as "Almost Famous", 
"Elf", "Yes Man" and "(500) Days of Summer". Well, she's here 
with us today to talk about her new movie, "Weirdo Love", which 
hits theaters next Friday. Please give a warm welcome to... 
Zooey Deschanel!

The crowd cheers and claps. It isn't roaring but good for 
an audience full of shoe gazers.

Zooey leans up to the microphone.

Zooey

Hello. Thanks for coming everybody.

People in the crowd are smiling.

Host

Now Zooey, before we get too far, tell us a little about 
your new movie.

Zooey

Oh, okay. Yeah. I have a new movie coming out next Friday 
and it's called Weirdo Love. It's about this girl who's mad 
at this guy 'cuz he's being weird.

Host

And who plays the guy in the movie?

Zooey

The guy is played by the very talented ________.

Host

Wow... Can you describe what the process of making this 
movie was like?

Zooey

Sure. Um. It was a lot of fun. I don't want to bore anybody 
with the technical side of making movies. It's a lot of waiting 
until everybody is ready and then filming. Not as glamorous as 
you'd think, really. I liked the people I worked with.

Host

Now, how do you go about choosing a script? I bet you get a 
lot of them..

Zooey

Well, I just try to keep reading them. I try to find characters 
that I identify with, who I think I can play well. It's different 
every time.

Host

Now, I was wondering.. do you ever feel typecast?

Zooey

Do you mean do I always feel like I'm playing "quirky" characters?

Host

Yeah. You seem to have carved out a certain genre almost.

Zooey

Well, I have my taste in movies. I try to make movies that 
I would want to see. Sometimes they don't end up how you thought 
they would. Movies really are a collaboration between a bunch 
of people that nobody ever sees. As far as always playing quirky 
characters, I guess I think of myself as a bit quirky anyway. I 
try to play the parts truthfully and the quirkiness seems to just 
come out.

Host

That's interesting.

Looks out into the audience.

HOST

(continuing)

I think we're gonna take a few questions from the audience now.

Zooey

Okay.

Host

Does anybody have any questions?

A 14 year-old girl raises her hand. She looks like a young 
Zooey, only blonde.

Girl

(nervous)

What would you tell to people who want to be actresses?

Zooey

Good question. I would say that first off, it's not as 
easy as you'd think. It's a tough business. At the same 
time it is very rewarding. If you feel serious about wanting 
to get into the movies than... well, living close to Hollywood 
is a good start. I'd say just try to meet other people who 
are making movies. And take some acting classes. And most importantly, 
don't give up. I've been doing this for a while and it's taken some 
time to get where I'm at. Just stick with it.

Girl

Thank you.

The girl sits down. A guy, about 19 raises his hand and 
stands up. The host motions for him to go ahead.

Guy

Thank you. Uh.. I like your movies. I have a couple on 
D.V.D.. My friends like you too. Do you like what you do 
or... is there a part of it that you don't like?

Zooey

Let's see. First, thanks for saying that. And... I'll 
answer the first question. "Do I like what I do"?

She thinks for a second.

Zooey

(continuing)

Yes. I do. It can be stressful at times but it's worth 
it to me. Making movies is a lot of fun... and the second 
question... "is there a part of it that you don't like"? 
Um... I mean, the real every day stuff isn't very glamorous, 
like I was saying. Some people can be very mean. Critics can 
be mean... And doing interviews can be exhausting when you do 
them one after another and everybody has the same 3 questions.

Guy

Thanks.

Zooey

You're welcome.

The guy sits down and another guy stands up.

Another Guy

I am a fan of your movies but I also really like your band, 
She & Him. How do you make movies and c.d.s and tour and all 
that? It sounds like a lot.

Zooey

Yeah. It is a lot! But... I like to keep busy when I can. I 
have some people who help me sort out my schedule months in 
advance. I couldn't keep up with all of it if I had to do it 
by myself. I can only do one thing at a time, contrary to what 
some people think.

Another guy

Thank you.

Zooey

No problem.

The crowd giggles, smitten.

Host

I think we have time for a few more questions if anybody 
has any.

Drew elbows Bull. Bull nods, steps forward and clears his 
throat. Drew points the camera at him.

Bull

(sheepishly)

I have a question.

Zooey

Shoot.

Bull

(clicking into professional mode)

Yeah. Uh. Bull Cave from The Zooey Zone Dot Com. We love 
what you do, Zooey. Thank you.

Zooey

Thank you.

Bull

Thank you.

Bull forgets to talk for a second. Then he snaps out of it.

Bull

Oh yeah.. um... so, recently you were married to Ben Gibbard 
from Death Cab for Cutie... is that... good... or...I mean...

Zooey

(slightly offended but trying to be polite)

Yes. It's very good. Ben is a great husband.

Bull

Oh. That's.. okay, thank you.

The crowd is snickering at this. Bull is unfazed by everyone's 
reactions. He is in his own world, thinking about his 
question. A couple of seconds pass.

The focus changes to the back of the room where the janitor 
from before is watching the Q & A. He has a grin on his face. 
There's something on his mind.

INT. THE LOBBY - SATURDAY MORNING, 10:50 AM

The janitor walks out of the room into the mostly empty 
lobby. We follow him as he crosses over to a door on the 
opposite side. This is his closet. He opens up the door and 
walks in.

INT. THE JANITOR'S CLOSET - SATURDAY MORNING, 10:51 AM

The closet is filled with a bunch of science fiction-looking 
stuff. This is where he must hide all of his belongings. The 
janitor spies a small ray gun-looking thing and picks it up. 
Then he picks up a Glamor Shots picture of a brunette woman. 
He kisses the photo.

Janitor

This is for you, _________.

He walks back out the door and closes it from behind.

INT. EVENT ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 11 AM

The Q & A is wrapping up. The host thanks the crowd for 
coming. Everybody stands up and starts to talk to each other. 
Some are filing out. A line has formed in front of Zooey 
where she is giving out autographs.

Bull

We've gotta go meet her.

Drew

That's fine.

Bull

This might be the only time we ever get to meet her.

Drew

Yeah. Probably.

They walk over and get in line.

In the back of the room the janitor walks in. He has that 
strange look on his face. His eyes scan the crowd. He sees 
Zooey and the line and comes to stand in it, right behind 
a jittery Bull and Drew. Bull turns around for a second. 
He and the janitor make polite eye contact and do one of 
those nod things. Bull looks down for a second and sees the 
Diminishing Ray Gun in the janitors hands. His eyes go "What 
the-?!"

Bull looks right at the janitor

Bull

What is that thing, man?

Drew turns around and sees the situation. The janitor looks 
angry. They're onto him. He looks around and notices that a 
few people in the room are looking his way too.

The janitor reacts quickly and shoots both Bull and Drew 
with the Diminishing Ray Gun.

They shrink.

He realizes that his plan has failed so he turns the gun 
on himself. He shrinks too. The gun is shrunken along with 
him.

INT. EVENT ROOM FLOOR, UP CLOSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:05 AM

Bull and Drew are dime-sized in the exact same spot where 
they were before. They look up and the crowd has become giant 
and they are reacting to what just happened with shock. They 
look over and see the janitor, about a football field distance 
away. He is small and angry and running in their direction.

Bull and Drew are freaked out big time. They don't know what 
the janitor is planning to do. The just start running. They 
are headed in the direction of the wall near Zooey. They are 
running pretty fast.

The crowd doesn't have a clue what just happened. As far as 
they know 3 people just disappeared.

The guys run up close to a giant purse that's sitting on the 
floor. Then they hear Zooey say-

Zooey

(cool but panicking)

This is crazy! I gotta get outta here!

They see her stand up and walk towards them. They are confused, 
then-

Drew

I think that's Zooey's purse!

They look back and see the janitor running towards them.

Bull

Come on!

He grabs Drew and they both jump up onto the purse and start 
climbing into it.

Zooey casually picks up her purse and walks out of the room.

The janitor is on the floor and he sees them getting away. 
He is angry and jumping up and down screaming.

Bull and Drew are in mid-climb on the top of her purse and 
looking back at the shrunken janitor who is shrinking in 
the distance.

The janitor continues to throw a tantrum as somebody 
accidentally steps on him. This is a sudden and undramatic 
thing.

Bull and Drew see this and cringe with a strange smile on 
their faces.

They drop down into the purse. Some light is shining in but 
it's mostly pretty dark.

Zooey walks briskly out the door of the lobby.

EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A IS - SAT. MORNING, 11:10 AM

Zooey walks out of the building, crosses the parking lot and 
gets into her car. A few leftover fans see her. She tries to 
walk quickly past them. She's ready to get home.

She sets her purse in the passenger seat, starts the car, 
turns on some music and drives out of the parking lot.

INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:11 AM

Bull and Drew are laying sitting exhausted at the bottom of 
Zooey's purse. They are still in shock and trying to absorb 
what just happened.

Drew

(tired)

What just happened?

Bull

(also tired)

I... I'm not sure. I think we're in Zooey Deschanel's purse. 
Is that... is that what you think is happening?

Drew

I think.. I think we... got... shrunk.

Bull

Okay. This is too much. Did that guy in the line shoot us? 
Are we dead or something?

Drew

(trying to remember)

Yeah... I think that guy shot us. But I think he got shrunk 
too.

Bull

Okay. Yeah, I remember that.

Drew

I think that guy got squished. Did you see that happen 
too? I think I'm going crazy.

Bull

No.. I saw that too. Maybe we're both crazy.

Drew

Well... where are we now?

Bull

Dude... I think we're in Zooey Deschanel's purse.

INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:20 AM

Zooey drives somewhat recklessly while losing herself in 
the music. The car jerks and her purse is thrown from the 
car seat to the floor board.

INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:21 AM

The guys have just been thrown around in the tumble of the 
purse. Everything is sideways from how it was just a few seconds 
before.

Drew

(feeling annoyed)

Geez! Can this girl even drive?!

Bull is silent. He doesn't want to say anything against 
Zooey.

Then Zooey's giant cell phone rings. Maybe it's an interesting 
ring tone. The guys are sent back from the sound.

INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:22 AM

Zooey hears the phone. She turns the volume down on the 
stereo and reaches over towards her purse. The car is swerving 
and other cars are honking angrily at her (if cars are able 
to honk angrily).

INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:22 AM

Zooey's giant hands reach into the purse and narrowly miss 
the guys as she grabs her cell phone. The guys have to jump 
out of the way.

The guys can overhear the conversation Zooey is having with 
the caller.

Zooey (O.S.)

... hey... yeah... it went okay. At first. I'll have to tell 
you about what happened when I see you... No, honey something 
really crazy happened. You probably won't believe me.... I 
don't wanna tell you yet... I just don't... yeah... okay... 
okay... I'm headed home. I need to relax... okay... what time 
are you gonna be home again?... oh yeah. Well, I'll probably 
be asleep by then.. Okay... love you too... okay... bye.

Zooey hangs up the phone.

The guys are sitting and still trying to take in the reality 
of the situation. They look around the inside of the purse 
for a second.

Drew

Well, what are we supposed to be doing now?

Bull

(thinking)

I don't know. Let's just ride this out for a minute.

INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:30 AM

Zooey continues to drive horribly. The music is off now. 
She's driving in the quiet.

INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:30 AM

The guys are both shaking their head in astonishment. They're 
somewhat frightened by her driving.

Bull

This girl is a horrible driver... but I'm still in love with 
her.

Drew is silent.

EXT. ZOOEY'S HOUSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:35 AM

Zooey's car comes to a sudden stop outside of a house. Her 
purse is jolted around a little more. This is her house.

INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:35 AM

Bull and Drew are knocked on the floor again. They are 
glad this car ride is over.

INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:36 AM

Zooey grabs her purse and walks gets out of the car. She 
walks across the lawn and into the front door.

INT. ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 11:37 AM

Zooey walks in the front door and sets her purse down on 
the floor by the wall. Then she walks into the kitchen, 
which is the next room over.

INT. UP CLOSE BY ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:37 AM

Bull and Drew climb out of Zooey's purse and onto the 
ground next to it. They stand there for a second, looking 
at Zooey. She's getting a glass of water.

Bull

We need to figure out what's going on.

Drew

That sounds like a good idea.

They look around for a second and see a gigantic couch 
not too far from them.

Bull

Let's go hide underneath that thing so we don't have to 
worry about getting stepped on.

Drew

Yeah. Okay. That's good.

They walk towards the couch and then go underneath it.

INT. UNDERNEATH ZOOEY'S COUCH - SAT. MORNING, 11:40 AM

Once there they sit down, relieved to be safe finally.

Drew

You know..

Bull

What?

Drew

(reaching in his pocket)

Do you think my cell phone would work?

Bull

I don't know. I don't know what happens to things when 
they get shrunk. I've never been shrunken before.

Drew tries to turn it on but it doesn't work. He tries 
a couple more times. It still doesn't work.

Drew

(changing the subject)

I think we really need to figure out what's going on.

Bull

That's what I'm saying.... well... what do we know?

Drew

(thinking)

I mean.. we're small. We're very small.

Bull

Okay. I get that. But how did we get small?

Drew

I guess when that guy shot us.

Bull

I thought that was a real gun. But it was a shrinking gun.. 
I didn't know those existed.

Drew

Me neither. I've never heard of this happening... other 
than in movies of course.

Bull

Why did that guy shoot us? What was going on with that guy?

Drew

He seemed mad and messed up. Wasn't he the janitor? Didn't 
we see him when we walked in?

Bull

(remembering)

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right about that. I remember 
thinking he looked strange even then. But I never thought 
the guy might shrink us...

Drew

Or get stepped on..

Bull

Whoa. That's right! That guy did get stepped on.

Drew

Well, why do you think he had that gun? And why do you 
think he was in that room? Do you think- do you think 
he was trying to shrink Zooey?!

Bull

Whoa, I don't know. I don't know why a janitor would 
want to shrink Zooey Deschanel. Hmmm...

They both walk to the edge of the couch and look into 
the kitchen towards Zooey who is still in there, washing 
dishes or something. Then she stops and comes back into the 
living room. She sits on the couch and turns on the TV. The 
guys stay put for a second.

Bull

Okay. How about this: What are our options?

Drew

Well, right now we're small. The only way I know to get 
big again is to find that gun and reverse it... and then 
shoot ourselves.

Bull

But we don't even know where that thing is.. or if it can 
even reverse!

Drew

Actually, it might be in the room where the Q & A was. I 
know the guy had it in his hands when he shrunk himself.. 
Do you think the gun shrunk with him? Do you think it got 
squished?!

Bull

How am I supposed to know that? So many strange things have 
happened in the last few hours. I can't remember everything!

Drew

Well, if we can't grow back... then what?

Bull

Duh! We'll be stuck small forever!

Zooey laughs at the TV.

Drew

(listening)

I feel sorta weird here. I feel like we're imposing on her 
privacy. It's like we're flies on her wall.

Bull

No. We're like flies on her floor... underneath her couch.

Drew

Well... doesn't it make you feel creepy?

Bull

I don't know.

Drew

What does Zooey Deschanel even mean to you?

Bull

I don't know. It's weird to see her in real life. I guess 
I don't think of her as a normal person. I don't think of 
her as somebody who watches TV and laughs at it.

She continues laughing. The guys are quiet for a second.

Drew

Something about this seems wrong.

Bull

Well, what are we supposed to do? We're shrunken! Maybe we 
can leave. Where do you think we should go?

Drew

I don't know! Sorry. I don't know.

Zooey laughs again.

Bull

(consoling a little)

...Let's just stay small for a little while. This isn't so 
bad.

Drew is silent. He doesn't know what to say. Zooey is still 
laughing on the couch above. Bull and Drew sit down and 
watch TV too.

This isn't so bad. In fact... this is kinda nice..

Almost 2 hours pass and the guys are still in the same 
place. Zooey has fallen asleep.

Drew

You know, I'm getting pretty hungry.

Bull

Yeah. Me too.

The guys stand up and start walking to the kitchen that is 
miles away.

A clock on the wall goes from 1:30 PM to 3:30 PM. Now they 
are in the kitchen, on the floor.

INT. KITCHEN FLOOR - SAT. AFTERNOON, 3:30 PM

Bull and Drew are pretty tired from the long walk. They're 
looking up high into the giant kitchen.

Drew

Oh my gosh I'm so hungry!

Bull

We'll find something. There's gotta be something that we 
can get to without having climb anything.

Drew

(hungry but disgusted)

Are we gonna have to eat something off the floor?

Bull

I don't know. What if it's all we can find?

Drew

(doesn't like the idea)

Yekkk!

Bull

Whoa! Look out!!

Zooey has just walked into the kitchen. She steps dangerously 
close to the guys but they dive out of the way. She is rinsing 
off a glass in the sink and then she opens up the dishwashing 
machine, which is right above their heads.

Drew

(quickly)

Hey! I've got an idea. Come on!!

Bull

Huh?

Drew runs and jumps on Zooey's shoe with Bull close behind. 
They climb up to her ankle and then onto the edge of the 
open dishwashing machine.

Bull

Okay. Now what?

Suddenly Zooey reaches down to close the dishwasher.

Drew

(close to panic)

Try to get on the top of it when it closes!!!

They move quickly and the dishwasher closes with them on 
the very tip top of it, not inside. They are now only a 
few inches from the kitchen counter.

Bull

Wow! Did that just happen?

Drew

YEAH!!

They look over and a few threads of a towel are hanging 
over the edge of the counter. This is one of those towels 
where you put wet dishes so they can dry.

Bull

Hey, isn't that convenient!

They climb up the thread and onto the counter.

INT. KITCHEN COUNTER - SAT. AFTERNOON 3:50 PM

Bull is looking down over the edge carefully but feeling 
impressed.

Bull

Can you believe that we just did that?!

Drew

Just about as easily as I can believe that we got shrunk 
and ended up at Zooey Deschanel's house.

Bull

No one will ever believe us.

Drew

I don't even believe us!

Bull

Yeah! I'd think we were crazy!! Maybe we are!

Drew

Let's eat some food.

Bull

Yep. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!!

They turn around and there is a bunch of fruit and bread 
and stuff. They are amazed and run towards it. Then Drew 
stops.

Drew

Wait! Wait. This isn't our food. This is Zooey's food. 
Is it bad for us to eat it?

Bull

Dude, look at us! We're the size of a dime! How much can 
we eat, really? A few crumbs maybe? Do you think Zooey will 
miss a few crumbs of something?

Drew

Probably not, I guess.

Bull

Come on!

They run to the food and start eating.

Half an hour passes. They are sitting down, full and sleepy. 
They can hear Zooey in the other room playing a guitar and 
singing. This makes them even more sleepier.

Drew

If we're gonna fall asleep, do you think we should go 
someplace safer?

Bull

Maybe behind the cookie jar?

Drew

Yeah, I guess. At least where they can't see us. It would 
probably be a good idea to stay here close to the food.

Bull

Yeah.. I'm feeling pretty tired.

Drew

Me too. What time is it?

They start to walk towards the cookie jar.

Bull

That clock over there says it's about 4 o'clock.

Drew

Whoa! That's it? It feels like more time has passed.

Bull

Do you think getting shrunk affects the way time passes?

Drew

I don't know! I doubt it. It just seems like so much has 
happened today.

They get to the cookie jar. There are a few other things 
next to it so they've got some good safe space back there.

INT. BEHIND THE COOKIE JAR - SAT. AFTERNOON 4:03 PM

Bull

I'm gonna take a nap right here.

He lays down.

Drew

Okay. I'm gonna sleep here.

Bull

Okay. Well, don't wake me up unless we're about to get 
killed by something.

Drew

Yeah, okay. I don't know how long I'll sleep.

Bull

Just don't bother me if you wake up. I'm tired.

Drew

I'm tired too.

Bull

I'm really tired.

They go to sleep.

Suddenly there is a loud sound of the front door opening. 
Both Bull and Drew wake up. It's dark now. They jump up 
and look around the side of the cookie jar. There is a figure 
walking in in the dark. They are scared.

Drew

(groggily)

Who is that!? Is that a burglar?!

Bull

No, dummy! It's probably Ben Gibbard... Zooey's husband!

Drew

Oh yeah! I forgot she's married. Why did I forget that?

Bull

I don't know. Maybe 'cuz we've been hanging out with her... 
or at her house.. without anybody else here... like a 
regular-sized person.

They walk back behind the cookie jar.

Drew

This is just too weird.. We really need to formulate a plan. 
We've gotta get back to regular size and out from behind 
this cookie jar.

Bull

Well, we'll have all day tomorrow to think about that. 
I'm going back to sleep.

Bull lays back down and closes his eyes. Drew goes back 
to his spot and does the same.

INT. BEHIND THE COOKIE JAR - SUNDAY MORNING 8:15 AM

Drew is shaking Bull awake.

Drew

Hey, man! Wake up!! You've gotta see this!

Bull

(half asleep)

What? What's going on?

Drew

Come here. There's something over here that you should 
see.

Bull

(yawning)

What time is it?

Drew

It's a little after 8. You've been asleep for a pretty long 
time.

Bull

We're still shrunken, right?

Drew

Yep.

Bull

Of course.

Bull stands up stiffly. He stretches for a second. Drew 
tries to wave him over to look around the corner of the cookie 
jar.

Drew

Seriously, you should see this.

Bull follows. They turn the corner and Zooey and Ben are 
sitting at the kitchen table talking.

BULL

Whoa. Both of them right there. In the same place. Who woulda' 
thought..

INT. ZOOEY AND BEN'S KITCHEN - 8:16 AM

Zooey and Ben are sitting at the kitchen table, finishing up 
breakfast. Bull and Drew look on though unseen.

ZOOEY

...it was just weird. These Q & A things are normally okay. 
You think I'm crazy I guess.

Ben

Well, you just said that 2, maybe 3 people disappeared at 
your Q & A.

Zooey

That's EXACTLY what happened! They VANISHED! There are 
witnesses. Other people saw it too.

Ben

Zooey. That's just so abnormal.

ZOOEY

You think I've lost my mind?

Ben

No.. no, I don't know what to think. You normally don't 
say crazy stuff like this.

ZOOEY

That's because I normally don't SEE crazy stuff like this!

Ben

You know, maybe you just need to slow down a little. I mean, 
you're in a couple movies a year and a band. Maybe you just 
need a break. I don't know.

ZOOEY

Ben, I don't think that's what it is. I'm pretty good at 
managing my time.

Ben

Is it.. is it me? Has getting married complicated your 
life too much?

ZOOEY

(shocked)

Ben! No. Don't say that. You're a good part of my life.

They sit in silence for a couple of seconds, picking at 
their food.

ZOOEY

(continuing)

You know, I have been pretty busy. This used to not be 
so hard. I like making movies and music but some of it 
is so annoying.

Ben

What do you mean?

ZOOEY

I get tired of these stupid interviews. I know it helps 
get people to see the movies but... it's all the same 
questions over and over again. It drives me batty..

Ben

It's 'cuz you're an artist.

ZOOEY

That's somewhat comforting.

Ben and Zooey finish up at the table and take their dishes 
to the sink. They come pretty close to Bull and Drew, 
who have to scoot back behind the cookie jar a little 
more to avoid being seen or smashed by the dishes.

ZOOEY

(changing the subject)

What time is your band practice again?

Ben

We're supposed to be there at 9.  Of course we probably won't 
get started until 10 or so.  And we'll go for a few hours.  
Probably 'til 4.

ZOOEY

(looking at the time)

That's pretty soon.... what time do you think you'll be home?

Ben

Uh... maybe 5.. maybe 6... maybe earlier. Hopefully earlier. 
Do you have any plans for the day?

ZOOEY

Not really. Probably just gonna hang out around here.

They walk out of the room and their conversation continues 
but fades away.

INT. KITCHEN COUNTER - SUNDAY MORNING 8:28 AM

Bull and Drew pick up some more crumbs to munch on and 
think about the conversation they just saw.

BULL

We sure are voyeuristic.

Drew

Duh. What'd you think about what they were talking about?

BULL

What part?

Drew

Did you hear Zooey say that she thinks we disappeared?

BULL

I guess it makes sense that she would see it that way. I 
mean, from her perspective that's exactly what happened.

Drew

I wonder what our families are thinking right now. Nobody 
even knows where we are. I wonder what Faith is thinking. 
I bet she's called me 50 times.

BULL

That girl is wacko, man. This would be a good time to let 
her down easy.

Drew

She thinks you're wacko too. But you know, I bet ya'll would 
get along if you ever hung out.

BULL

She probably thinks I'm a hermit who lives with his parents 
and is always on the computer.

Drew

Well, that's what you are, man. Faith is cool. She's nice. 
She's overprotective sometimes but... I guess it just makes 
me feel appreciated.

BULL

She's acts like she's your mother.

Drew

Not all the time.

BULL

(joking)

Just from my perspective.

Drew

(brushing it off)

So what are we gonna do, man? We need to make a decision.

BULL

Decision?

Drew

Are we gonna stay tiny or try to get bigger?

BULL

(knowing that he's wrong)

Tiny?

They look in the other room and see Ben's guitar case sitting 
by the door.

Drew

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BULL

I have no idea what you're thinking.

Drew

Come on!

Drew starts to run towards the edge of the kitchen counter.

BULL

Wait! What are you thinking?

Drew

We've gotta get to that guitar case. Ben is leaving pretty 
soon. Zooey isn't going anywhere today. We've got to get out 
of this house. And I think that guitar case is our ticket.

BULL

But I like it here.

Drew

We can't stay here, Bull!

BULL

Why not?

Drew

We just can't! This isn't right.

BULL

It's not so bad.

Drew

Dude. This is wrong! We have to go. And if we don't go now 
we'll be stuck here all day!

Bull looks at the guitar case and at the time.

BULL

How the heck are we supposed to get there in time? It took 
us all afternoon to travel that far yesterday!

Drew

I'm thinking...

Drew looks around and sees a grocery list a few feet over 
from where they are. He runs over to it.

BULL

What are you doing?

Drew

I'm gonna make a paper airplane so we can fly over there.

BULL

What is this, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!? That stuff doesn't 
work!

Drew

Well, how do you know? Come on.

BULL

I can't believe this...

Drew

What's so hard to believe about making a giant paper airplane 
to fly 2 shrunken guys to a giant guitar case?

BULL

Please quit talking.

They go to the grocery list and fold it up into an airplane. 
It doesn't take too long. They point it in the right direction.

BULL

Do you really think this will work?

Drew

Not really.

BULL

Why are we doing this again?

Drew

'Cuz we're crazy shrunken people. Let's go!!!

Both guys run and push off. The plane flies in the direction 
of the guitar case. It's going pretty fast. They cross into 
the living room.

INT. BEN & ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - SUN. MORNING 8:45 AM

Drew

Jump off!!

Both guys jump off and land about 5 feet from the guitar 
case. They are laying on the ground, a little frazzled but 
okay.

BULL

(looking at the guitar case)

Wow! We really did get close!! That was seriously amazing!

Drew

(impressed)

I can't believe that actually sort of worked. We're pretty 
good at being small.

They can hear Ben walking in their direction but they can't 
see him yet.

Drew

Hurry!

Both guys run and jump onto the guitar case and climb inside. 
Ben walks in, followed by Zooey.

ZOOEY

Have a good practice.

Ben

Thanks, Babe. Enjoy the day for me.

They do a quick smooch and then Ben picks up his guitar case 
and walks out the door.

INT. INSIDE BEN'S GUITAR CASE - SUN. MORNING 8:47 AM

Bull and Drew sway back and forth as Ben carries his guitar 
case across the line.

BULL

What are you thinking, man?

Drew

(thinking)

Hold on, I'm still thinking...

EXT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 8:48 AM

Ben puts his guitar case in the back seat, gets in, starts 
the car and drives off.

INT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 8:49 AM

As Ben drives, Bull and Drew climb out of the guitar case. 
Drew leads Bull on a hike up Ben's leg and all the way to 
Ben's front shirt pocket. Somehow, Ben doesn't see or feel 
them and they get to the pocket just as he pulls into a gas 
station and turns the car off.

Ben gets out of the car and goes into the gas station to get 
some cigarettes or gum ( I don't know if he smokes or not).

INT. GAS STATION - SUN. MORNING 9:00 AM

He waits in line to pay the cashier. The guys are still in 
his pocket.

BULL

What are we doing?

Drew

We're waiting for the right moment.

BULL

To do what?

Drew

To get Ben's attention.

Ben pays, puts the cigarettes (or gum) in his pocket and 
walks back outside. The cigarettes (or gum) land right next 
to Bull and Drew.

EXT. GAS STATION - SUN. MORNING 9:02 AM

On his way back to his car, Ben is confronted by 2 Death 
Cab For Cutie fans.

FAN #

(to the other)

It's Ben Gibbard!

FAN #

Whoa!

FAN #

(to Ben)

Ben Gibbard. Hi. You're Ben Gibbard.

Ben

I'm Ben Gibbard. Yes.

FAN #

We love your music. We are your biggest fans.

Ben

Oh. Thank you.

FAN #

Um.. do you care if we take a picture with you?

Ben

That's fine.

One of the fans pulls out a camera. They pose next to 
Ben. He smiles politely and they take the picture.

FAN #

Thanks again!

Ben

Yeah. Thank you. Ya'll take care.

FAN #

You take care too, Ben Gibbard!

Ben

Okay... Alright.. see ya'll later.

Ben walks away from the fans and back to his car. This 
is a pretty normal thing for him so he isn't very annoyed 
by it.

INT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 9:05 AM

Ben starts his car and drives off. As he does, he reaches 
into his pocket to grab a cigarette (or stick of gum). Drew 
notices what's happening and without thinking jumps onto 
Ben's fingers as he's lifting the cigarette (or gum) to his 
mouth. Bull is wide-eyed.

As Ben puts the cigarette (or gum) to his mouth, Drew jumps 
off Ben's fingers and into his beard. Then he climbs up his 
beard to the hair on top of his head. Ben quickly brushes his 
beard with his hand, thinking there's a bug in his beard. He 
misses Drew by a few centimeters.

Drew climbs down into Ben's ear and shouts-

Drew

BEN!!!!

Ben freaks out and shakes his head. He thinks he's crazy for 
a second. He might swerve a little in traffic. Drew falls all 
the way back down to the car seat, in minor shock.

Bull looks out from Ben's shirt pocket and see's Drew in the 
car seat. Ben's car stops and he turns the engine off. He's 
at the practice space.

Bull stays put in Ben's pocket. Drew runs back to the guitar 
case in the back seat and climbs in.

Ben gets out of the car and walks quickly into the building.

INT. INSIDE BEN'S GUITAR CASE - SUN. MORNING 9:10 AM

Drew hears Ben leave the car and realizes that he's been left 
behind. There are a couple of beats of him afraid about this.

EXT. PRACTICE SPACE BUILDING - SUN. MORNING 9:11 AM

Suddenly, Ben walks back out the door because he forgot his 
guitar case. He quickly grabs the case and runs back in the 
building. Inside the case Drew is relieved.

INT. DEATH CAB PRACTICE SPACE - SUN. MORNING 9:12 AM

Ben walks in the room, guitar case in hand, and greets the 
other members of the band. They are already plugged in and 
ready to go. They've been warming up.

Ben

Okay. Sorry, I'm late guys. What's going on? What are we 
playing?

Chris Walla

Let's run through ______ (some Death Cab song).

Ben

Cool.

JASON MCGERR counts off and the band starts playing. 
During the intro, Ben opens up his guitar case and pulls 
it out. He plugs it in, does a quick tune and checks the 
levels and starts playing along with everybody else.

As Ben plays the guitar it is revealed that Drew is holding 
onto the guitar for dear life.

Meanwhile, Bull is still in Ben's front shirt pocket.

As the band continues to play, Drew gets a better footing on 
Ben's guitar and is trying to get Ben's attention. It isn't 
working too well.

Ben swings the guitar and Drew loses his grip and balance and 
falls off onto the floor below.

Bull sees this and realizes that it's his turn to act. He climbs 
out of Ben's pocket and up to his face. Ben is singing pretty 
close to the microphone right now. Bull takes a flying leap to 
the microphone when Ben is close. He lands on the microphone 
somehow.

Bull climbs down to the microphone and talks directly into 
it. His little voice booms through the monitors in the middle 
of their song.

BULL's voice

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

The band continues to play, each member thinking he's hearing 
something. Bull tries again.

Bull's voice

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE! ATTENTION DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!!

The song comes to a sudden halt.

Nick Harmer

WHAT is GOING ON?!?!

Ben

Did you guys hear that?!

BUll's Voice

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!! CAN YOU HEAR ME DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE?!

Ben

Yes. Death Cab for Cutie can hear you! Who is that? What 
is happening right now?

Bull's voice

Please hear me out. My name is Bull and I have been shrunken.

Chris Walla

What?! Shrunken? Huh?

Bull's Voice

Please give me a moment to explain myself.

Ben

That's fine. Please explain yourself.

BULL'S VOICE

I was shrunken yesterday with my friend Drew, who is 
somewhere around here. Probably on the floor somewhere.

The band looks around on the ground quickly, suddenly 
afraid of stepping on a tiny man.

Bull's voice (cont.)

I was at a Zooey Deschanel Q & A and a man... a janitor 
actually... came and shot both me and Drew.

Ben

Wait. Zooey, might have told me about this. She said you 
guys disappeared. I didn't know what she was talking about. 
Are you trying to say that you guys were... shrunken instead!?

BULL'S VOICE

Yes. We were shrunken and then the guy who shrunk us shrunk 
himself.

Chris walla

The janitor guy? He shrunk too?

BULL'S VOICE

Precisely. But then somebody stepped on him. So he's dead 
now.

Ben

Wow. Really? That's gross. And awful. How did you get to 
our practice? Did you turn into a ghost?

BULL'S VOICE

No. Drew and I are both still alive, only we are the size 
of dimes!

Nick Harmer

Wait a second. Where are you, Bull?

BULL'S VOICE

I'm hanging onto Ben's microphone and talking into it so 
you guys can hear me.

The whole band seems amazed by this and they crowd around 
close to the microphone and sure enough they can see Bull, 
who is waving at them.

Chris walla

Wow! Look at him! He really is tiny! That's crazy!

Jason McGerr

Why are you here, little guy?

BULL'S VOICE

It's kind of a long story but we got in Zooey's purse and 
followed her to her house and spent the night there.

This was the wrong thing to say.

Ben

Wait. Are you saying that you guys have been riding in my 
wife's purse and living at our house?!

BULL'S VOICE

Well, we were under your couch for a little while... and 
we slept in your kitchen, behind your cookie jar. Oh, and 
we ate some of your food. Not very much of course.

Ben

This happened all yesterday and last night?

BULL'S VOICE

Yeah. We've been watching your wife...

Ben

(getting bothered)

Dude, you are saying the wrong things here. I was feeling 
sorry for you when you said you got shrunk but now you're 
saying that you were inside my wife's purse and living in 
our kitchen. Dude, that bothers me! That's seriously disturbing. 
And how much of our food did you eat?

BULL'S VOICE

Seriously. It wasn't very much. Like a few crumbs. We're so 
small, you know. It didn't take a lot to fill us up.

Ben

And where is your friend? I don't like this..

BULL'S VOICE

I don't know exactly. Maybe by the guitar case... on the floor..

Little Bull points at little Drew who is waving from the floor 
by the case.

NICK HARMER

That is freaking weird!

Ben picks up the little Drew by the shirt, careful not to 
squish him. Drew is kicking and screaming though nobody can 
hear him. Ben stares at Drew, angry.

Ben

I'll be right back.

Ben walks out of the room for a second and comes back with 
an empty jar.

Ben

I don't know what to do with you guys yet but until I figure 
it out, you're both going in this jar.

BULL'S VOICE

NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S a GOOD IDE-----

Bull's comment is cut short as Ben pulls him away from the 
microphone and puts him and Drew in the jar. He sets it 
down on a table or a bench and then punches a couple of 
breathing holes in the top. Bull and Drew stand there and 
look out as Death Cab for Cutie stares them down.

INT. BEN AND ZOOEY'S HOUSE - SUNDAY MORNING 9:30 AM

Zooey is sitting on a chair somewhere, strumming her guitar 
and singing to herself. Suddenly the phone rings so she gets 
snapped out of her concentration. She picks up the phone.

ZOOEY

(into the phone)

Hello? Hey...huh? Wait. Slow down?.... shrunken? ....no... 
oh my.. since yesterday?... hmmm...that's unbelievable... 
so I'm not crazy... Okay... I'm on my way.

Zooey hangs up the phone.

INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING, 9:32 AM

Zooey drives manically to the practice space.

INT. DEATH CAB PRACTICE SPACE - SUN. MORNING 9:45 AM

Close up on Bull and Drew, who look pretty nervous, not 
sure what's going on or what Ben is planning for them.

Zooey bursts in, she's pissed and confused. The first 
thing she does is walk over to the jar that is sitting 
in the middle of the room on a bench and seems to be the 
center of attention, of course.

ZOOEY

(looking at Bull and Drew)

Holy crap. There really are shrunken guys in there! Are 
there any more? How did this happen?

Ben

(trying to calm her down)

I don't know. We just found them. One was talking to us 
from the microphone. I think they were trying to get our 
attention. But... this is just too weird.

Bull is waving his hands at Zooey.

ZOOEY

It looks like one of 'em wants to say more.

Ben

It's your call, Ma'am. Whatever you want to do.

ZOOEY

Well, I can't say I don't have any questions..

Quick cut to Bull standing in front of the giant microphone 
again. Drew is standing next to him.

ZOOEY

Okay, so who are you guys?

BULL

My name is Bull and that guy is Drew. We run a website 
that's devoted to you. We are fans, Zooey. And we didn't 
mean for any of this to happen.

ZOOEY

What kind of website? Is it one of those ones that puts 
celebrity faces on pictures of naked bodies and stuff?

BULL

NO! No Way! We are a tasteful site. It's called The Zooey 
Zone. We have great respect for your gifts. We try to 
celebrate your movies and music.

ZOOEY

(semi flattered)

Why do you do that exactly?

BULL

We think you're great, Zooey. We're just fans.

Ben

(getting frustrated)

Wait! So how did you guys get shrunken? And why are you 
here?

BULL

This guy just came up and shot us with his shrinking gun 
thing. I don't know how that worked. But he shrank himself. 
And... we think he may have been meaning to shrink Zooey..

ZOOEY

(shocked)

WHAT?!

Drew

(entering the conversation)

We don't know for sure! There's no way to know at this point. 
And he's dead now so... the mystery died with him..

Ben

(disappointed)

How unsatisfying...

BULL

The thing is... please don't be angry. We didn't mean to get 
shrunk. We're just trying to figure out what to do now. Please. 
Please don't squish us.

Ben

(to Bull and Drew)

Zooey and I need to speak separately for a second, okay?

Ben pulls Zooey aside and they talk quietly to each other so 
Bull and Drew can't hear them.

Ben

What are we gonna do?

ZOOEY

What can we do?

Ben

We can't keep 'em. I think they want us to in a way. But.. 
we can't do that. I mean, they probably have lives to get 
back to. Do you think they have lives to get back to?

ZOOEY

I don't know! I hope they do! But you're right. We can't 
keep them here. Do you think.... do you think it's possible 
to grow them back? And then put a restraining order on 
them or something?

Ben

We've gotta' do something.

ZOOEY

(hmmmm)

I think I might have an idea! Put the guys back in the jar 
and come with me to the car!

Ben

Is it okay if I drive?

INT. BEN OR ZOOEY'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING 10:15 AM

Ben is driving and Zooey is holding the jar with the guys.

ZOOEY

I think we should go back to the_______ where my Q & A was. 
If that ray gun thing is anywhere, maybe it's on the ground 
someplace. Maybe it got shrunken itself in the hubbub. I 
think... I remember the gun disappearing too.

Ben

(impressed)

You know, that's the best idea I've heard.

ZOOEY

I hope this works.

EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A WAS - SUNDAY MORNING 10:25 AM

The car pulls into the parking lot of the building. It's pretty 
empty, this being Sunday morning and all. They get out of the 
car and walk towards the front door, holding the jar.

Ben

Do you think we'll be able to get in? It looks like they're 
closed.

ZOOEY

(looking in the window)

There's gotta' be somebody inside.

Ben

Even if they're is somebody here, do you think they'll let 
us in?

ZOOEY

Absolutely. We're Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard. We'll 
get in.

A security guard inside sees them and walks over, unlocks 
the door and cracks it open so he can talk to them.

Security guard

Can I help you?

ZOOEY

I'm Zooey Deschanel and I was here yesterday.

Security guard

I know who you are.

ZOOEY

Well, I think I forgot something in the building yesterday.

Security guard

Oh yeah? You think I'm gonna' just let you in?

ZOOEY

Well...

Security guard

Mrs. Deschanel. Mr. Gibbard. Let's cut the crap. You didn't 
leave anything in the building, did you?

ZOOEY

(caught)

Uh.. no.

SECURITY GUARD

I wasn't here yesterday but I heard what happened. About the... 
disappearances...

ZOOEY

Uh huh..

Security guard

There was a janitor who worked here. He was one of the ones 
who... disappeared.

ZOOEY

Right..

Security guard

But we all know what happened, right?

ZOOEY

...sorta.

Security guard

That guy was only working here for a few weeks. They 
did a background check on him before they hired him and 
they found out that he'd spent some time in a mental 
institution claiming that he wanted to... shrink celebrities.

ZOOEY

(not surprised but pretending)

Wow.

Ben

Listen. You've figured most of it out but let me help you. 
We found these two shrunken guys at my band practice this 
morning and they said they got shrunk yesterday at Zooey's 
Q & A... and they've been following us... and... we've gotta' 
get them grown back to regular size if possible.

Security guard

So they're still alive, huh?

Ben

Yeah. See?

Ben holds the jar up to the security guard's face. He's 
amazed.

SECURITY GUARD

Wow. So that crazy janitor was partly right... at least 
about trying to shrink people. My guess is that he was 
trying to shoot you, Mrs. Deschanel. Good thing those 
tiny guys got in the way... it coulda' been you in that jar.

Zooey and Ben hadn't really thought of it that way.

Ben

Can you help us?

Security guard

Do you know what it is you're looking for?

ZOOEY

It's some kind of shrinking ray gun... but it's shrunken.

SECURITY GUARD

Could this be it?

He holds up the palm of his hand. At first it looks like 
there's nothing in it. Then Ben and Zooey strain a little 
and can see the tiny gun.

SECURITY GUARD

I had a bit of a head's up about the janitor. After the 
situation yesterday I did a quick search of the area. You 
know, that gun is pretty small. Those miniature guys might 
have to UNshrink themselves.

Ben looks at Zooey and they agree without having to talk 
about it to let the guys out of the jar and give them the gun. 
They unscrew the top and set it on the ground. Bull and Drew 
walk out.

Then the security guard squats down and sets the gun next to 
them.

Up close at Bull and Drew:

Drew

They're gonna let us try to unshrink ourselves. That's nice of 
them.

BULL

(picking up the gun)

Yeah. Do you think this will work?

Drew

I don't know.

Bull looks at the side of the gun. There is a reverse switch.

BULL

Maybe this will do it.

He switches the switch.

BULL

Well, who's first?

Drew

I'll go first if you want.

BULL

Okay. If I don't see you again, tell Zooey that I love her.

Drew

(lying)

Will do.

Bull points the gun at Drew and pulls the trigger.

Drew grows back to regular size. He looks down. Everything 
seems to be fine. Everybody is smiling.

Ben

Hey! Welcome back to regular size, man.

Drew

Hey. Thanks!

Suddenly Bull appears next to him. He seems to be fine too.

ZOOEY

Wow. So ya'll really did shrink?

BULL

Hi, Zooey.

ZOOEY

Okay. Yeah. Hello.

The guys are really happy and high five each other. Then 
they try to high five Ben and Zooey. They let them. Everybody 
high fives each other, even the security guard.

Ben

Let's get outta' here!

He and Zooey walk towards their car. Bull and Drew follow. 
Ben turns around.

Ben

Nope. You guys can't come with us. You've gotta' go back 
and live your lives.

BULL

But.. but...

Ben

No. No "buts". We've gotta' go. Me and Zooey. Ya'll go 
somewhere else.

Ben and Zooey climb into the car (Zooey is in the driver's 
seat).

ZOOEY

(as she starts the car)

And don't talk about this in The Zooey Zone!

The car revs and they take off. Zooey's driving is questionable.

Bull and Drew look at each other. They sigh. That's that.

INT. BULL'S MOM'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING 11:03 AM

Bull and Drew drive out of the parking lot.

Drew

What a wild weekend. I couldn't have predicted any of that.

BULL

Yeah. I wish we found out more about that janitor. And... 
it seems like after all that happened we should've ended up 
friends with Ben and Zooey but...

Drew

Well, at least we grew back to normal size.

BULL

Yeah. I think this is the size we were meant to be.

Drew

Yeah.

They continue driving.

NExt DAy

INT. MALL CELL PHONE STORE - MONDAY EVENING 6:30 PM

Drew is back in the cell phone store, finishing up with a 
customer. A familiar voice comes in:

Voice

You look shorter.

Drew turns around. It's Faith.

Drew

Shorter? No. I think I'm... regular size..

Faith

Where have you been, man? I've called you a million times. 
Did you get any of my messages?

Drew

Well, I was gonna call you back tonight after I get off. 
Yeah. I got some of your messages. Sorry. This has been a... 
weird weekend.

Faith

Well, I was worried about you. I'm glad to see that you're 
alive.

Drew

I'm alive... I...

Faith

Drew. Listen. I want to ask you something.

Drew

Okay. What?

Faith

(nervously)

Um.. do I overwhelm you? I mean... am I scaring you off?

Drew

(hesitant)

I don't know.

Faith

I think I am. I don't mean to be like that. It's just that... 
I just like you a lot. I'm.. I'm sorry if I act weird about it.

Drew

You're fine. It's okay. I like you a lot too. I just don't 
know what to do about it all the time. I don't want you to 
think I don't care. I care. I just care at a more normal 
amount maybe.

Faith laughs at this. They have a little huggy/kissy moment. 
Smiles.

INT. BEN AND ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - MONDAY NIGHT 6:55 PM

Ben and Zooey are spooning on the couch, watching TV.

Ben

(whispering in her ear)

Think there are any more shrunken guys in our house?

ZOOEY

(smiling)

I sure hope not.

Ben

Listen, if any more turn up, will you let me squish them?

ZOOEY

Yes. You can squish them.

Ben

That was not normal at all.

ZOOEY

No.

Ben

Your new movie comes out next weekend.

ZOOEY

Yeah.

ben

And your new c.d. comes out next month.

ZOOEY

It's true.

Ben

Good thing you're all over the internet or I'd never see you.

Zooey elbows Ben in the ribs.

INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - MONDAY NIGHT 7:00 PM

Bull walks into his domain and sits down at his computer. 
He's looking at pictures of Zooey on the internet. He looks sad.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door. It's his mother.

Bull's Mom

Hey, Scooter. How was your weekend?

BULL

It was great. Best weekend ever.

Bull's Mom

Did you get to see Zooey?

BULL

Yeah.

Bull's mom

Did you get to ask her any questions?

BULL

Yeah. She wasn't as friendly as I was hoping.

Bull's mom

Really? Sorry to hear that.

BULL

It's okay. I don't know what I was expecting.

BULL'S MOM

Well, I'm making some pizza for dinner. Want some?

BULL

Pizza sounds really good.

Bull's mom

I love you, Bull.

BULL

I love you too, Mom.

As his mother shuts the door, Bull is smiling politely. 
Then he turns to the computer screen with a cold look in 
his eyes. He stares at Zooey. Then he looks down and opens 
up a desk drawer. The Diminishing Ray is sitting in it.

Bull reaches down and turns the reverse switch back. Then he 
shuts the drawer again and looks back at the computer screen.

Zooey is staring back at him.

The mouse on the computer screen goes up to the corner of 
the window and closes it out.

Cut to black.

The End
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