Wow, I slept a lot today.  I thought I’d try to take a nap around 2 PM and I was asleep until around 6.  Then I thought I’d try to go a little longer and I woke up at 11:30 PM.  I didn’t look at the time right away and I wasn’t sure what day it was.  In fact, I had to think for a while to remember what day I fell asleep on.  I had a ton of dreams.  I even had one where I dreamed I woke up from an incredibly long nap.  I was so surprised with myself about how much I slept in that dream.  And then I woke up for real and I think my mind was blown.  I don’t care what Inception tells you, waking up in real life is definitely different than waking up in a dream.


I wrote a song last night… no wait… this morning.. that’s right.  I felt good about it.  I think I might use it on something.  I thought I might be done with songwriting for a while but turns out I can’t seem to control that one.  For better or worse I can’t seem to pick up a guitar without getting all songwritery and what not.

I like talking about stuff like this on the blog but I also like to not talk about the actual music I’m writing.  I’ve been trying to find this balance of how to talk about what I’m working on without giving it away and to also not be all talk (on the blog.. though that’s actually writing too… hmm…).

I’ve got a column of songs to fit together.  I’ve got some conceptual ideas but I’m thinking the concept this time might be “no concept” (deep, huh?).  Sometimes there’s a lot of thought put into the albums but I might skip thinking on this one.  It feels more natural so far and I like that about it.  Writing used to be easier in that not many people were listening so I could sing about myself and nobody cared anyway.  Now there’s at least a few more people listening to where I’ve begun trying to write consciously in different characters.  I don’t broadcast it necessarily but it seems to be the only way I can write a song and feel like it’s okay to share.  I can just blame the parts I don’t like on some character.  Yeah.

I think one of my themes on this one might be about dealing with having “fans”.  Because it’s a strange phenomenon.  I have people who I’m friends with and I have people who are fans and I’ve tried to be nice to everybody but I gotta say, I’m just not that nice of a person.  I’ve got my limits and some people seriously freak me out and bother me.  It’s like they have no self awareness of how irritating they are.  And I don’t know how to deal with that.  It’s like suddenly because people like your music they expect you to be buddies with them and hang out and I don’t know.  I can relate to wanting to hang out with other artists but sometimes it’s just uncomfortable.  There are no set boundaries and some people just run right over them.  I wonder if they treat anybody right.

And it’s an uncomfortable place for me because a part of being an artist is about creating these mental places for people to be and not getting in the way.  So some people will verbally attack to provoke some sort of a response.  But I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to respond to things like that.  And then they take my unresponsiveness as passivity and just keep on pressing.   I just can’t live in a constant state of verbal self defense, you know?   It is an EXTREMELY creepy and offensive thing to have to deal with and will probably be the main reason I stop doing this stuff (if I ever do).  Some people just don’t know how to BACK UP.

I don’t know, it wears me out to have to deal with people’s issues.  I just like writing songs.  That’s the reason I got into this, you know?  Now I’m just trying to find the right way to go about this to where I don’t go completely nutso.  There’s gotta be a way, right?

It’s all just a strange mix of things to have to deal with.  Because the hope is that people connect to what you do and that their lives are improved somehow.  But then it’s like, “I’m not comfortable with how much these people are connecting with this… how do I deal with it?”   Heck if I know.  Sometimes the whole thing just seems ugly and sick.  It seems like a giant waste of time.  I mean, I do definitely believe in the power of art and music and creativity and all this but sometimes it just goes down the wrong path.  Some creative stuff is just plain messed up and loud.  It’s all this work to try to make the world a better and more beautiful place to be and it all just turns destructive.

And that’s a serious shame.


Okay, now I’m gonna go take a nap.


I was just blogging in character there.



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