Jesus Has a Waterbed in My Atrioventricular Valve

I’m a Christian but I might be a very sarcastic Christian.  I think a lot of it is b.s.  It’s not easy for me to find hope in the thought of a man who died 2,000 years ago who said he was God and that he’s gonna come back.  I don’t think he’s come back yet!

If I had a friend who said that he was gonna run out to the grocery store but that he’d be back and he wasn’t back for 3 or 4 days I’d probably give up on him.  And I probably wouldn’t believe that he did come back as a spirit to live inside of my heart and also inside the hearts of all the other people who believe that his 2,000 year vacation hasn’t been permanent.  And I’d definitely not run around with other people who were waiting for him to come back.  I’d probably figure he had a car wreck or something.

It’s hard to fit this in my head and it’s hard to make myself believe that it’s all good news.  I can’t even get myself to care about it most of the time.  And I’m not saying this to discourage people or anything.  People would say, “well, you need to be around other believers more.”  But isn’t that just leaning on group mentality?  Hope codependence.  I don’t wanna have to think like other people think, you know?  I don’t want to have to do that.  And why do I feel so guilty every time I feel this way (honest)?  It’s like you want to live a truthful life and pursue truth and life to the fullest but you have to wade around in all of these lies on your way there.  That sucks!

I want to say that Jesus is sufficient and that he satisfies all of my needs and gives me a deep down eternal joy but he just doesn’t.  I don’t think he does.  Maybe he does ( I don’t know!!).  Maybe he scratches the itch, gosh.  I try to love him more.  I try to pray this stuff into my brain but it just doesn’t work.  And it’s frustrating to me.  It seems like it should just work but it never does!  And then it works for a few days.  And then it’s back to normal thinking my faith is gonna dump me off in a mental institution some day.  In the Christian corner.  And I think I’m prepared for that.

But it just wears me out and I don’t know how to deal with it.  I used to try to have good intentions but I know my good intentions don’t mean much.  The road to Hell is paved with them, right?  So should I work on my bad intentions?  Do those get you into Heaven?  That would be great if the road to Heaven was paved with bad intentions.  Talk about eternal security!

I’ve been a Christian since I was like 7 years old.  Isn’t that weird?  Not a great Christian (maybe an A-B one) but that’s when I invited Jesus to live inside my myogenic muscular blood pumper (or “heart”).  I like to think he has a waterbed in the Atrioventricular Valve.  Isn’t that a nice picture?  He’s tiny and in there telling me how to be a good person and to not have sex outside of marriage and I’m like, “You got it, Jesus!”  I asked him how after he died and became a spirit how he was able to split up and live simultaneously in so many different hearts and nudge everybody in the right direction.  I mean that’s way more than the 3 in one thing, right?   He just smiled and said it was hard to explain and that I should just trust him.  And I smiled, turned off my brain and said, “You got it, Jesus!”

Being a Christian is so much easier when you learn how to turn off your brain.  Rationality and logic are some genuine faith killers.  That whole opening-up-your-eyes-and-looking-at-reality thing can be a real blow to your faith in your invisible God.  I wish you could be drunk and righteous at the same time.  Can you?  That would make it easier.  They need to make Faith Drugs.  Things to make it go down easier.   Belief In Anthropomorphism Pills?!   Mmm!  Sign me up!   Good grief I’d be popping pills all over the place.

And why is it so hard to find genuine joy?   I mean, come on!  That’s what I wanna know.  That stuff is so elusive.  It comes and it goes.  I want Jesus to perform a special surgery on me.  I want a joy implant.   How much are those things?  Probably free.  A lot of things with Jesus are free.  You’ve gotta give money to his church of course (of course) but he’ll give you some salvation and hope for free if you just ask him.  Seriously.  No catch or nothin’.   Free love.   Not hippy free love.  Not exactly.  There are definitely hippy Christians but it’s not the same sort of free love.  Honestly, I don’t know the theology of hippy free love.

What is Christian free love?  Uh, it’s like free… uh…. Jesus lives in your heart for free or something.  He vacuums and Windexes out your insides from your sins somehow.  I don’t know how.  He knows.  Ask him.  Read his Bible.  It’s probably in there.  In the back I’m sure.   Check the glossary.   (By the way, if anybody wants me to live somewhere in your house for free just let me know)

So I was like talking to Jesus the other day and I was like, “This world is pretty awful.  Can you really save it?!  I mean, it is a messed  up place, man.  It’s all bad news out there.  Can you really rescue the thing?  Do you mean that or do you just say you can save to comfort us?  ‘Cuz I’d be fine with that.  It doesn’t have to be real truth.  Just comforting truth.  Cotton candy truth.  That’s fine.  Just make it sound like everything is gonna be alright.  That’s good enough.  Even if everybody is gonna burn.  Just make us think we’re doing okay.   Positive mental pictures positive mental pictures positive mental pictures positive mental pictures.

Sweet.  I think I just hypnotized myself.  I think I might feel genuine joy (I feel genuine joy I feel genuine joy I feel genuine joy).  Yeah.   I do.  I feel genuine joy suddenly.  It’s filling up my sorrowful brain with a sense of child like wonder about the possibilities of life and all this stuff.  It’s like it’s coursing through my veins.

I think it started in my Atrioventricular Valve.


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