Secret Blog 44

I turned 30 yesterday.  I had a busy day around the house.  I read some books and then I read some stuff on the internet about Lost.  My Wednesdays are filled up with reading what people on the internet say about the previous night’s episode.   I also listened to a c.d. lecture about economics.  Then I went running and I think it was the first run of the year where I didn’t feel completely out of shape.  I can tell my muscles are getting at least a little stronger. 

And yeah, I turned 30. 

It didn’t feel like a sad thing to me.  In my twenties I always felt old.  Now I feel like either a young person in his thirties or… or I’m just my own age.   Fascinating stuff…

Yesterday I had some contemplations about the whole thing but I think I’ve moved on today.  I just wanna talk about regular old topics.  Having a birthday is fun.  I think it was more fun when I was younger.  The celebrating seems to shrink every year.  Though I think my family might have more plans for the week that I don’t know about yet.  I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.

Last night my mom took me out to dinner and a movie.  This is crazy.  We saw the movie Date Night.  So basically that means that on the night of my 30th birthday I saw a movie called Date Night with my mother.   We were laughing about it but I was trying to ignore the depressing sound of the situation.  For some silly reason I didn’t think the theater was going to be filled up with only couples on real date nights.  I thought that would be way too predictable.  But of course that’s what it was.  Everybody was sitting two by two.  One guy walked by my mom and I and snickered (no joke). 

I was just glad to do something.  If my mom didn’t take me out I probably wouldn’t have done much.  Probably just blogged or something.  So that was cool.

I feel good about turning 30.  It doesn’t bother me.  I think I did most everything I wanted to do in my twenties.  Maybe I could have been more ambitious but I feel satisfied about them.  And I already don’t miss being in my 20’s.   I know some people have a strong emotional attachment to being young.  I don’t think I have that.  Being old sounds cool to me.  That’s probably because I already feel like an old guy.  I think I’ve already retired.  I’ve got tons of cheesy sayings.  I’m easily irritable.  What more is there?

———————

This part is unrelated… I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m a lazy writer.  I’ve been reading a book about how other writers work and they work much more than I do.  They might work more than 4 hours a day on something.  I think I’ve only been writing about an hour a day lately.  That’s a lot for some people but for trying to be a real writer, that’s like going into work for only a couple hours a day.  I’m at a coasting level. 

I wonder if that makes me less of a writer.  I still feel insecure about saying I’m a writer even though I do write pretty much every day.  This is the most basic and true statement about writing:  You have to write to be a writer.  The act of writing is the simple thing that makes you a real writer (Wow?).  I’ve found that it’s a heck of a lot easier to read than write.  Writing requires a completely seperate brain movement (creatively speaking). 

I sat down last night and wrote out some honest thoughts about my own discipline.  I want to be clear with myself and realistic about how I think about myself.  I think that’s why I’m having some trouble right now.  I don’t know what my limits are.  And I keep pushing them because I think I can do more.  But I’m in a stage right now where I’m trying to work on longer things like books and screenplays.  And I haven’t finished either yet.  I’m in this vast desert place.  And I’m constantly questioning mysef because I don’t know if I’m pushing myself for the right reasons.  I mean, I think it’s good to challenge yourself but I also think it’s important to know your limits and learn to work within them.  If not you don’t get anything done.

I have this screenplay that I’m working on, see?  And I don’t like talking about it because what ends up is I just talk about it and I never write about it (even though me talking about it here is actually writing… hmm…).   To work on it I have to write it.  And I’m having a tough time doing that.  I can write about it.  But writing the actual thing is not something I’ve figured out how to do yet.  But deep down I believe that it’s possible for me to write a screenplay.  And that’s the thing that’s keeping me moving even though I don’t yet know what the other side looks like.

And what bothers me right now is people who have never tried to write a screenplay who just assume that it’s an easy thing to do.  Because it’s really not.  I don’t think it is at least.  I know that if I actually pull this off it won’t have anything to do with writing on a whim or just “from the heart”.  You have to craft a screenplay.  They don’t just fall out of you.  I do think I’m making ground but it is definitely hard to measure.  And I think that’s another frustrating part of it right now.  I have the desire and I have some stacks of paper with notes and all that mess on them.  And I have tons of screenwriting books.  But the actual screenplay isn’t here yet.  And I don’t know if I should keep going and believing that it’ll come together or just let go of the whole thing.  I mean, I already don’t think that this pursuit has been a waste of time because it’s been an enriching experience.  It’s worth it every single day.  It can be frustrating every single day but I defininitely do learn something valuable every day. 

But I’d like to have an actual screenplay finished.  That’s my golden word right now.   FINISH.  I’m not aiming for perfect or great at the moment.  I think if I did I might not ever get there.  I’m aiming for a real finish.  I think that’s when I’ll really be able to let go of it.  I almost want to just write a stupid movie.  I’ve thought a lot about how critical we are of movies.  I think people are quick to think, “Oh, I could’ve written something better than this!”  But how many people really could?   And how many people even try?  It’s so easy to be critical.  It’s hard to actually do something.  Maybe that’s where I am.  I don’t want to be critical.  I want to make something.  And even if it doesn’t work or if it’s bad at least I’ll know that I tried and I’ll know what I’m made of. 

That would be a success to me.

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