Secret Blog 27

I was writing a song a few minutes ago and I’d forgotten how fun that is.  Have I mentioned that I write songs?  I do it on the side.  In fact, when I first started blogging my intention was to mainly talk about songwriting.  I would post lyrics and explain what they were about.

I guess I got tired of talking about that stuff.  Some people try to read things like that and get bored out of their minds.  I would always try to think of a few people who had the potential to care about what I had to say and write for them.

That’s something.  I always try to write for the smallest audience possible.  I think it helps me focus but it also keeps the songs or other writings easier to relate to because it’s less broad.  People can easily follow along with stories they relate to.  I think the average audience member subconsciously imagines him or herself in the shoes of the characters they read about or see.  Some characters are meant to be rotten but some are disigned to be normal and relatable. 

One thing I enjoy about songwriting is that for me it can be a very freeing experience.  I learned to write from songwriting and before that I never said much of anything.  So songwriting always brings back memories of feeling a huge need to get some boiling something out of me.  It makes me feel desperate.  Or at least it connects me to a time when I definitely felt more desperate.

I personally can’t see how my music has changed over the years.  I often think my best years are behind me and now I’m just a hard worker who repeats himself.  I don’t know though.  I know one day people seem to like it and the next they can be so annoyed by you that they almost want to hurt you (I might be imagining that).  I care about music but I know I don’t care as much as some people.  I try to do my best and let it be because that’s really all you can do.

I was writing a song recently and the first words of it were “I am my least favorite singer”.  That has to do with a feeling I often get where I am insanely sick of hearing my own voice and being stuck in my own humor and style.  I’ll want to make some more music but then I think, “I personlly don’t wanna hear a single new Jeff Grant song.”  I’ll think of myself as a redundant artist but then I’ll just force myself to keep going.  I guess I’m my own worst critic (as the cliche goes).

Writing songs is very satisfying to me.  I think it’s the newness that I love.  It feels fresh and it can help me get out of all my numb and boring routine headspaces.  I love how one writing thing can put me in a certain mental place and then I can write something else and it puts me somewhere else.  I think maybe I might need to write songs to feel like I’m living a meaningful life.   I really do feel like a waste of a person when I’m not trying to be creative, even when I hate what I’m making and think it’s a failure.  It always feels good and helpful to at least try.  Just trying to make something is miles further than most people ever get.

I love getting lost in writing a new song.  I love having that feeling that it’s the most important and valuable thing I could be doing.  That’s such a rare feeling.  Like you’re contributing your life to something unique and great.  It makes me want to never do anything else again.

Not much can compete with songwriting for me.

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