Secret Blog 10

I don’t know what to call my writing issue.  I am comforted by it but I have realized that if I make anybody have to listen to me all the time I can get very annoying very fast.  It’s so nice to have some solitude to get the writing drive out without feeling like I’m forcing it on anybody.  I think it’s just a nice relief for me.

I remember when I was a teenager before I ever wrote anything.  I would get so mad at myself because I didn’t know how to talk or form my sentences very well at all.  I would have something so specific to say to somebody and I just couldn’t get the words out and it would drive me crazy.  I’d just mumble and hope for the best and get strange responses.

I still find that communication is hard even now when I write every day.  Knowing exactly what you want to say doesn’t mean anybody is going to listen.  Or sometimes they listen too well I’ve realized.  People read into things too much sometimes.  Like with songs there is always a certain meaning attached and usually not much else.  But people will get obsessive and draw more conclusions than is necessary.  I’m always glad when songs mean something to people but good grief, there’s more to life than songs, you know?

—–

Sometimes I say stupid things in public and feel embarrassed but try to play it cool.  When you are always exercising your blabbing abilities there is a big probability that something dumb is gonna come out.  And something dumb WILL come out, trust me.  

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Writing is like pulling teeth a lot of the time.  There is nothing in the brain that wants to come out.  It’s all happy and content about staying inside.  I try to scrape the barrel but I think I’ve already scraped everything out of this one.  

Think think think.  I’m gonna sleep here in a minute.  I love looking forward to sleep.  I love that I get to konk out.  I keep having these great dreams.  I have been sleeping late so it gives me a chance to savor my dreams instead of rushing into my days.  I’ll sit in my bed after I wake up and think back through the details of my dreams.  I’m often surprised.  I really do think it’s so easy to forget dreams. I think most people probably forget about 99 percent of their dreams.  That sounds accurate to me.  

I’m always traveling in my dreams.  And it’s always to places I’ve never been.  The other day I was in New York City with Jack from Lost.  We were on some mission and we got trapped in a big parking garage without doors or windows.  I was one of the characters from the show only I was also myself.  It was a character that had always been on the show (in my dream world).  The character was me (Jeff).  I was this tough, brainy guy that Jack liked the best and Claire had a crush on (I added that last part just now).  We were carrying machine guns around (which is weird now that I think about it).  Somehow we got out of the parking garage and hooked up with Sayid and then found a house where all of our other Lost friends were.  I think they had ordered some pizza and I was so excited because I was staaarving. And then we had a few minutes to spare (‘cuz we were going to fight some people) so I went on a walk by myself.  It was about 8:55 at night and I saw a Borders bookstore across the street.  And as soon as I saw the Borders I realized that all I was wearing was tighty whities.  Oh crap!  I ran across the street and hid behind a mailbox.  I was trying to act normal and not embarrassed.  I saw that Borders closed at 9 and there were only about 5 people left inside.  And for some reason I really wanted to know if they had an Anne Lamott book (Bird By Bird).  I decided that if they had the book it would probably be on one of the front display tables (don’t ask me how I knew this).  So I sucked up my pride (and some of my gut) and walked nonchalantly through the front door at Borders.  I could feel the people in there staring at me but I just played it off like it was no bit thang.  I looked down at one of the tables and I saw my book (I couldn’t buy it because I didn’t have my wallet on me).  Then I looked up and made a thumbs up sign to everybody inside, “Alright, ya’ll got it!  That’s all I needed to know!  Ya’ll have a great night!”  And then I turned around and walked out the front door.  

I woke up right after that and sadly wasn’t able to reunite with the rest of the Lost people which sucked because pizza was sounding really good to me.

Anyway, I hope I have another cool dream tonight…

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