Wacko Modern Life

I need money. i have a piss poor(?) attitude. i have not had a regular job since last April and i am so happy about this though i also feel guilty because money is the only reason humans exist, right? RIGHT?!?. 
i don’t like jobs. i have a fear that i will get a job just to get a job and end up working there for too long. that’s what happened with applebee’s. i;m thankful that i had that job but i kept wanting to run away. that’s a sucky feeling to have to force yourself into ignoring day by day. I’d tell myself stuff like, “you love it hear.. you are content with your life situation.. you are king of your proverbial…” (brainwashing yourself is easier than you’d think!) i don’t want a job like that. again, i don’t want a job even. i want to get hired and fired. hired and fired.

I’m trying to dig into the psychological ramifications of my melodramatic plight. there HAS to be a reason for this. i hope.. i plead.. you should not pity me because i’m not acting responsibly anyway. no near 30 year old should be this disgruntled over his aversion to devoting more seconds of his one life towards acquiring additional green, rectangular paper.

that’s it though. that’s life boiled down to it’s essence. life = green, rectangular paper. what the heck else is there to do, really? 

What would we humans do if we didn’t have money to organize our schedules for? Why would we even get out of bed? Just the thought of a life without money on the brain makes me so sad… i’m gonna cry… 

i’m crying……. 

i am a generous man but i am also a mooch. i have not figured out how to translate my skills into cash yet but someday maybe i will and i will probably end up rich and confused. i realize that the main reason i am afraid to have money is because 95% of my friends are poor too. if i get money they are just gonna beat me up and take it from me. so i’m trying to walk on the safe side and continue being worth as little monetary value as possible. 

i’m gooood at this.

for some of you people worrying about money is a foreign idea. and for others of you it’s as normal as breathing oxygen. i’m not here to tell you how to get rich quick (or even slowly). i don’t have anything to sell at the moment (though maybe i should find something…). i just want to say that thinking about money SUCKS!!! that’s really all i want to say. one of my life goals is to not be conquered by money. to not be a slave to the need of it. i think i’m still partly a slave to the fear of it. i don’t want to live for this kind of stuff. i have an issue with designing my life around money. i have paid off all my debt. i quit a lot of stuff like driving and credit cards. college was good but way too expensive. but i paid off my loans a couple of years ago. and i ain’t goin’ back to school. i went to the library today but i can’t afford official formal intelligence. 

(i failed school but i give myself straight A’s… 

if anything at least i like myself..)

i’m saying that i’m not in the plus or negative financially. I am exactly at zero. well… i see a nickle on the carpet.. i’m at five cents. around that. and dernet, i’m happy about this. i like this. i’m balanced. i’m even. 

(sorry about all of this. i’m in the middle of What Color Is Your Parachute? 

I will now take a chill pill… )

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