Jeff Time: Day 14

I can’t focus tonight.  I’m pretty antsy.  I’ve been eying this blog for the last couple of hours and thinking that I might take the night off.  

I’ve been wandering around trying to think of little projects to do instead.  Hmm, this room could really use a lamp, I’ll go look for a lamp for a half an hour…

I keep thinking about what a sour mood I’m in but I think I get in a sour mood every day when I am trying to write.  And every day I think it’s the first day I’ve ever felt wishy-washy about writing.  And each day I go through my whiney “wilderness time” where I tell myself I am a fool for deciding to live my life this way.  To be a writer.

It really is a strange feeling when it’s writing time and you know that what you say might be read and remembered for a long time (or maybe not…).  Tonight I’d rather be invisible and go into hiding than make any kind of mark on the world around me.  I don’t want to interact.  I don’t want to talk about my opinions or feelings or any of that mess.  

But sadly for me I am in a “committed relationship” with the page and I have removed my ability to have a choice in the matter.  I will be writing tonight even if what I say somehow makes the whole world think I am complete madman/loon.  That’s the deal here.  I mean, I want to be smart and sound like I have at least a little wisdom but, when you’ve got your mouth running, there’s a good chance you’re gonna sound like somebody you wouldn’t ever want to hang out with.

But I can’t fear sounding stupid.  You know, it happens to everybody.  And by now I’ve said a lot of dumb things.  I should be numb to the shame at this point. 

I’m trying here people…

 

I don’t have any drawings today.  I am a slow drawer.  I am a committed writer but not a committed visual artist.  So it’s optional for me.  And that means it gets pushed to the side.  I might try harder though.  Please, have patience.

 

Man, I really do feel so empty today.  If I was talking to you in real life I would just be standing still and quiet with a blank look on my face.  I would not have any clever comments or anything.  You’d think I was sick and I would just say, “Oh… sorry.  I’m tired.”  That’s what I’d say.  

I guess though, one of my hopes with this blog thing is that I will get empty.  I thought that maybe I could spill it all out so I would have to think up some new stuff to share.  When there’s nothing to say and you are somebody who says stuff… that is a frightening spot to be in.  Something’s gotta’ come out.  It’s time.  People are listening.  But… I’m just exhaling.  Air is going out of my lungs.  Where is the meaning there?  Maybe I could just blow on people.  That sounds fun I’m sure.  

If I have any hopes when I’m writing it’s that I will say something (ANYTHING) that will connect to somebody and mean something to somebody (ANYBODY).  And I am quite sure that if that happens it is a pure accident and beyond my ability to plan or explain or predict.  And I feel that today especially.

What a strange feeling, to know that what you do works somehow even if you don’t understand it.  I never understand that stuff.  It blows my mind that anything could ever mean anything.  That sounds stupid but I think I know what I mean.  I’m so glad to be able to let go of it.  I’m not a good controller.  

Sometimes when I blog I think of it as an experiment but I don’t think like that today.  I’m not testing to see if this will work.  Because even if it does, I won’t know why or how it happened.  I don’t know the formula, you know.  I don’t even know if there is one.  

Uh… gosh, I’m gonna’ let myself quit talking now..

Whew!

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