Underwater Firefighters Movie Review (From the Future)

Underwater Firefighters TitleGone in 12,600 Seconds

 

Underwater Firefighters Movie Review

 

Boulder Mountain Gazette

 

September 6, 2015

 

Gene Cinnamon

 

 

You know, one of the reasons I decided to be a film critic was so I could see free movies but Jeff Grant’s new whatever-you-call-it made me wish the studios paid ME to see these things.  Can’t they fit a “Critic Bonus Check” into their budget? I mean, here’s three and a half hours of my life that I will never get back!

 
What starts as a potentially brilliant premise (the only part of this movie that sort of works by the way) turns into a  mish mash of Hollywood cliché of the worst kind imaginable.  And seriously, did a human brain actually imagine this film?  I mean, who writes these scripts anyway?  Is it really dimwitted monkeys in a room on typewriters?  And if not, can I see THAT movie instead?

 

 

The story centers on two men who have been sent under the sea to fight fires and here comes the obvious catch:  There are no fires underwater!  (Insert calculated laugh here).  At least the filmmakers acknowledge this reality even though they seem to ignore many others.

 

Like, if they’ve been stuck under water with no communication to the outside world for over 15 years how do these guys eat?  That’s what I want to know.  Where did the main protagonist Mick Campbell get the Pop Tarts he eats ever so slowly early in the movie in what has to be one of the most excessive examples of product placement since The Fed Ex Movie got lost in that silly story of Tom Hanks getting stranded on the deserted island.  

 

They should have just called this The Pop Tarts Movie.

 

The first act is like a lazily scripted pilot for a television show that you hope no network picks up.  And of course it isn’t too long before we’re whisked away into a subplot that may or may not be romantic with a couple of extra characters thrown in just to keep the audience from falling asleep.

 

Whoops, too late! These are the kinds of movie characters who spend the whole story dreaming of being three dimensional but can’t seem to break out of their own predictable moldings.  Spoiler alert: the Underwater Firefighters leave the safety of their underwater fire station just in time for the kids in the audience to wonder why they just spent 10 of their parent’s hard-earned dollars on the new action figures. 

 

Action?  There’s no action here!

 

Let’s be real.  Isn’t this basically just a three and a half hour Hasbro commercial?  Isn’t that all we’re really asking for?  Nobody wanted this bloated melodramatic tumor-of-a-side-story to develop!  When I walked into the theater I thought that I was in for the next new big summer blockbuster, not The Bridges of Madison County!  

 

Think of all the disappointed thirteen year-old fanboys!  I mean, where are all the pointless slow motion shots of Megan Fox straddling a motorcycle in the sunset when you really need them? 

 

Okay okay, maybe the movie wasn’t all bad.  I could definitely relate emotionally to the characters feeling like they were stuck in a precasket.  But then I realized at some point that I didn’t want to get out of the theater anymore. 

 

I wanted to go ahead and die.  

 

This movie was gone in 12,600 seconds.

 

I wish it only took 5,400.

 

Or less.

 

 

Thanks for reading!  Please check out my blog!  Gene Cinnamon!  

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