U.F.B.S.: Second Ten Minutes

Second Ten Minutes

Underwater Firefighters:  The Movie

2)  “Wednesday Underwater Firefighter Meeting in Conference Room 2”


Mick and Sancho walk into a somewhat orderly Conference Room 2 (as the door is labeled).  Sancho is carrying a stack of file folders.  Mick is carrying his milk and Pop Tarts and is still wearing his pajamas.  Sancho is dressed professionally yet informally with a colored button up shirt and khaki pants.


They sit down at a large table that looks like it could sit maybe 20 people though it is just the two of them.  Sancho opens a folder and taps a stack of papers on the table.



SANCHO:  Okay… let’s see here… first order of business… (Mick tries to hide a yawn).  We are having some hose issues.  We may need to order new ones.  The hoses we have now are getting all cracked up.


MICK:  Okay.  I’ll look into that.


SANCHO: We’ll probably need to get that addressed soon, just to be on the safe side.


MICK: (Sarcastically) Right.  Just in case there’s a fire.  Yeah.  I’ll hurry with those hoses.  I’m on that..


SANCHO: (Stares quietly at Mick) Mick, I know that you are having a hard time with your job right now but please try to show a little respect.  I know it might seem mundane but those hoses are a vital part of our job.


MICK:  …And if I don’t get them replaced soon there could be a huge, dangerous fire in the middle of the ocean, got it Sancho!  I totally understand.  No issue here!  I’m completely on that…


SANCHO:  …Why do you have this attitude, man?!  I don’t like it.  You’re really slipping.  What’s going on here?


MICK:  How long are we going to be doing this, Sancho?  We are firefighters.  Have you noticed anything strange about this?  Anything out of the ordinary?


SANCHO:  I’m not sure I understand where you’re going with this.


MICK:  THERE ARE NO FIRES UNDER WATER!!!!!  There are none!  We don’t do anything.  We sit.  We wait.  We clean.  We have meetings.  Over and over and over again we do these things for no actual purpose.  WE ARE JUST HAMPSTERS RUNNING IN WHEELS IN A CAGE, MAN!!!   No one ever calls us to put out a fire.  We have been down here for years with not one fire.  So what are we supposed to be fighting Sancho?!


SANCHO:  What are you trying to say?


MICK:  Did you know that I am coming up on my FIFTEENTH year down here?  I know you’ve been down here longer than that but… I have thrown fifteen years of my ONE LIFE into the garbage.  And I have worked so hard to waste my life on this job!  It’s a joke, Sancho!  I can’t get those years back.  They’re gone!  I’m stuck.  Seriously, I have no respect for myself anymore..


SANCHO:  See, I think you’re looking at this all wrong.  You don’t see the honor in it.  You don’t see the value.  What we do is important, Mick.  Society needs people like us.  Somebody has to fight fires under water. Don’t you see?  WE get to be those guys!


MICK:  I don’t want to be one of those guys anymore, Sancho!  I’m ashamed of myself!  I really do have a problem with the fact that I’ve done this to myself!  It makes me… sad.  I don’t like this.  It’s driving me crazy!  I just can’t do this anymore.  Not one more day!  I really can’t.


SANCHO:  Listen, I know… I know how you feel.  I’ve been there.  You really have to… It’s not… You have to power through this.  It’s normal, you shouldn’t be ashamed.. It’s… it’s just part of life, man.


MICK:  (sighs)  How do you do it, Sancho?  I mean, I think you’re kind of strange but… how do you do this job without losing your mind?  I guess I kind of admire that.  Even though I feel sorry for you…


SANCHO:  I love my job, Mick.  I really do.  I know that it’s not the greatest job in the world but it’s MY job.  Out of all the jobs I could have gotten, this is mine and that means something to me.  It really does.  I’m so proud to wake up in the morning and clean this place and all the silly little things that come with it.  I just love it!


MICK:  But, how do you suck it up and commit yourself to this?  Do you even understand how ridiculous the term “underwater firefighters” even is?  It’s laughable, man!  It sounds like something some demented kooks thought up.  And now WE’RE the guinea pigs!!!!


SANCHO:  I know what it sounds like.  I know that most people woukdn’t get it.  But I’m okay with that.


MICK:  Does it ever bother you that there are no fires?  I mean that we are essentially commiting ourselves to protecting no one from something that doesn’t even happen?  No one is ever going to be injured by a fire underwater.  There isn’t even such a thing.


SANCHO:  How do you know that though?



MICK:  Okay… just sit here for a minute.  I’m going to try a little experiment.. (Mick hurridly leaves the room.  Sancho sits still, looking curious for a few seconds.  Mick comes back in with a glass of water and sets it on the table)  Okay… WHAT IS THIS?


SANCHO:  This appears to be a glass of water, Mr. Mick.


MICK:  Excellent.  Great job.  Okay… now… (Mick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of matches)  What is THIS?


SANCHO:  Hold on.  I don’t know if I like where this is going.


MICK:  NO, just bear with me for a second.  This is going to blow your mind.


SANCHO:  Oh, okay.  That sounds cool.  Proceed…


MICK:  (Mick lights a match and holds it for a second.  He makes eye contact with Sancho)  Fire.


SANCHO:  (Repeats)  Fire.


MICK:  (Looks and points at the glass of water)  Water.


SANCHO:  (Repeats)  Water.


MICK:  Fire goes into water  (Mick begins to set the match into the glass.  Sancho cringes.  The match hits the surface of the water and goes out.  A small puff of smoke rises)




MICK:  Now, what happened when the fire hit the water, Sancho?


SANCHO:  The fire went out.  The water put the fire out.


MICK:  Very good.  You must have been studying.


SANCHO: Mick, I don’t understand your point here.


MICK:  (sighs)  Water puts out fire.  Fire does not happen in water… We (he points to a window that looks out into the ocean) live under water.  There cannot be a fire where we are.  Yet, we are FIRE FIGHTERS.  Our job is to put out FIRE.  Since there are no fires under water we cannot do our job.  The water has already done our job for us.  Thus, our job is to do nothing while we wait forever for something to happen.  Something that DOES NOT HAPPEN!


SANCHO:  (He sits quietly for a few seconds in contemplation)  So… what are you saying?


MICK: (sighs)  I’m saying that I am quitting this job.  I’m going to retire and I think you should think very seriously about coming with me.


SANCHO:  Come with you?  Where are you gonna go?  You have everything you need right here, man.


MICK:  No.  No, I don’t.  That’s not true.  That’s just what they want you to believe…


SANCHO:  (repeating himself) Where are you planning on going… Plato?


MICK:  Up.  Out.  Out of the water.  Outside of it.  Past the surface.  In the air.  Up where air is.


SANCHO:  “Where air is”?  What does THAT mean? Don’t you remember the gill pump you fixed the other day?  There’s air down here, man!  WHERE YOU ARE!



MICK:  There are other people up there, remember?  People like us but completely different.  People with jobs that make sense.  Totally different people.  And a LOT of them.  Probably a ton of them… No, actually more than that…


SANCHO:  Oh yeah?  Other people?  Other people, huh?  Wow.  I mean.  Wow.  What’s the big deal, man?


MICK:  You are crazy, man.  You have been fighting fires under water for WAY too long.  Do you even remember what a woman is?


SANCHO:  A woman?  Yeah, duh.  I know what that is.  I remember that stuff.  That’s easy..


MICK:  Yeah?  What’s a woman, Sancho?


SANCHO:  A woman?  A woman is like… (he makes the outline of boobs with his hands only he places them over his stomach.  Mick shakes his head.  He grabs Sancho’s hands and moves them up to his chest so he can make an outline of the boobs there) 


MICK:  That’s a woman.


SANCHO:  I know what a woman are!


MICK:  Above water there are a lot of women and we could even both have our own woman.


SANCHO:  I could have my very own woman?!


MICK:  Yes.  Above water the women flow like wine.  I think.. I think that’s how it goes.  (To self)  Man, it’s been so long…


SANCHO:  Wow… And you’re going there?


MICK:  No, Sancho.  WE’RE going there..


SANCHO:  I’M not going there.  I have a job to do here.


MICK:  No, you’re gonna come with me and you’re gonna love it.


SANCHO:  I’m staying here.

    • Ami
    • August 29th, 2009

    Hahaha that was really funny. I liked it a lot, actually.

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