What I Am Doing RIGHT NOW.

Well, my butt is sitting squashed on a wooden chair.  I seem to not be on the edge but somewhere in the middle of the chair.  The chair is sitting on tile flooring.  The table right in front of me is larger than the others around me.  It is square and light brown with a handicapped sign on it that says, “Please offer this table to our disabled customers”.  I have been sitting here for maybe four hours.  I have been checking my websites and watching Charlie Rose interviews with Guillermo del Toro (who will be directing The Hobbit movies), Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels.  I also watched a fifty minute lecture on Flannery O’Conner and her novel Wise Blood which was fascinating.

Tomorrow morning around 8 a.m. I will be riding with my father to a town in West Texas called Meadow.  My sister, my brother-in-law and my new baby niece Kenzie live there and we will be helping them move somewhere else though I can’t remember where it is right now.

Oh, the chair and table I am using right now are at a Starbucks Coffee shop that is located on Denton Highway in Watauga, Texas next to a Chili’s and very close to a Target, a Chick-fil-a, a Blockbuster Video, a Sprint store, and… well, I guess about a million other places where you can spend money.  I seem to be a regular at this place and at another Starbucks not far from here.  In fact, the other day when I was leaving my dad’s house (where I have been staying since May) my dad said, “Where are you going?”  I said, “Starbucks.”  And he said (no joke), “The one up the street or the one down the road?”  

Then we laughed at the way he worded his question until we figured out that I was going to the one “up the road”.  I think that’s the one I’m at right now.

I have been attempting in my jobless state to learn as much as I possibly can and try to “make myself useful” (which is my motto this summer).  I have been reading like a fiend.  I have been going through podcasts of lectures and discussions on screenwriting, copyright law, computer science and novels (like what I mentioned above).  I have also been studying up about the process of editing because I just completed a 150 page “thing” that I am not sure what to make of.  Right now it is simply called my “Forty Hour Project” because of the way I made it.  

I got the timer on my phone and wrote for 40 hours (spread out over the course of about a month… which was June).  I would free write in hour-long sessions and my goal was to do it for forty hours because that’s like a normal work week (for people who have jobs)… and yeah, it took me a month, okay?

I have also been collecting songs and recording them into Garage Band on my computer but my lack of extra computer memory and good microphones is making the whole thing ultimately an unsatisfying time.  I do believe the songs are good and some of the recordings are quite interesting though I am unsure if they are at a sharable quality (though that has rarely slowed me down in the past).  

I have to admit that it is difficult to make powerful recordings (which I think is my current goal) when everything you put down sounds as fragile and wussy as these do.  I am not sure, maybe it’s a strength.  Still, I feel questionable about them.

I have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I want to keep doing much as far as music goes.  I like making music and I have had some truly great experiences but I am just not sure if it’s what I want to do with my life, long term.  I think what originally drove me to write songs was the thought of maybe writing a hit song and making boo koos (?) and then living off of that for the rest of my life.  I think I was just looking for a get-rich-quick scheme, honestly.  But I’ve been kind of stupid about the business side of my music and I haven’t made much money.  Maybe 70 dollars all together.

There is something very fun about writing songs and sharing them but there are also some things that come with all of that that I am not sure if I am too comfortable with.  Where it is neat to have people connect with things you write it is at the same time very confusing when people seem to know you or think they know you when you don’t know them at all.  I think the response that I was starting to get from my music was incredibly exciting but also terrifying. And I guess I live in this limbo, in-between place where I like it but I also want to be able to go into hiding at any moment.  And that doesn’t work especially well if you are trying to do anything like… well, have a career or play with actual OTHER people who might have lives and families and plans of their own.  I mean, there’s a freaking lot of crap to have to think about past trying to make some line rhyme with another line and be interesting but hopefully not cheesy and relatable but elusive and just dumb enough for the average listener (which is tricky.. and which I don’t actually try to do : ) ).

I like the writing part.  I like it like some people like crossword puzzles and playing solitaire.  It is a routine and therapeutic thing for me.  I can’t tell you how great a thing writing has been in my life.  It really is a great joy for me and I am daily thankful that I have the ability and time to do it.  There is nothing like it.  I think I realized at some point that I could be a billionaire and really all I would want to do would be to sit in some small, quiet place with a pen and paper and put my thoughts down.  That is a pricelessly enjoyable thing in my opinion.  And it has also been a wonderful and entertaining way for this poor man to pass his time. 

I was thinking around hour ago about how the writing and idea stages seem to always be my favorite.  It is exciting to me and I think the fun I have when I am writing actually keeps me pretty distracted from many of the other parts of the process.  I really have no trouble getting lost in my thoughts.  I seem spend most of my time somewhere in them.  

I thought about an idea.  About how I think my art is always open-ended.  Sometimes it never seems to end.  I just write and write off into nowhere and it is a very satisfying thing for me to do and I often try to end it and break it up into something digestible for others but I think just writing is more fun to me than ever finishing anything.  In fact, I think I am very much enjoying NOT finishing anything lately.  Of course this means that I have nothing to show for all of my time spent at Starbucks.  

Well, the reality is that I do have something to show.

I just don’t want to show it much lately…

 

So anyway, this is what my future looks like from here:

I’m going to pack some clothes (3 nights worth).

I’m going to go to Meadow, Texas and help my sister and her family move.

I’m going to finish reading Jurassic Park.

I am sure that at some point tomorrow I will drink Dr. Pepper with my dad (since that is one of the main things we do together).

 

Hmm… and I think I have an idea for something I will do after all of that but I am going to keep it a secret for the time being.

But I promise… it is VERY interesting…

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