I posted this and ran

I am in Texas right now.  Fort Worth.  Just about all of my family lives here and so did I until I was 22 when I decided to move to Nashville with my friend Josh to become real songwriters.  I think that we were already real songwriters.  Living in Nashville now just means that I live in Nashville.  I have a bunch of musician friends there but we don’t even talk about music anymore.  So I just work at Applebees and blog and walk around mainly.

I’ve thought a lot about moving back here to Fort Worth. It really is nice to be here closer to my parents and not feel the 12 hour distance every time I think about it when I’m gone.  I wonder if I will ever come back here to stay.  It always seems like a loose possibility.  

The issue with that is that my time in Nashville has been very fruitful.  I don’t think that I could uproot at this point without feeling some bit of regret.  All of this sure does make me feel like I’m torn so I try to make the best of it.  

Blogging is a good help there.  Having friends in places all over the country and knowing that I probably won’t actually see them in a while can be a burdensome thought.  I don’t even see many of my Nashville friends as much as I’d like.  With my blog at least I can throw some information up for people if they are curious.  I used to think it could be some kind of interactive thing where people would email and ask questions but nobody does.  I think that a lot of my regular readers are just as much in the routine of reading these things as I am of writing them.  It’s always a funny thought when I am writing though because I often feel as if I am writing to nobody and if one or two people ever find it and read it then it succeeded somehow.  

One of the weird things about blogging is that it’s like trying to write a personal note to everybody when you know that anybody in the world could read it. Maybe it takes some of the personal feeling out.  I don’t know.  I do know that it is a strange thing to know that in reality I am not friends with everybody I know or who might know me.  It’s like if I’m somewhere eating a burrito and a person looks at me.. I don’t know if they know me or if they are just looking at me like normal and it makes me feel a little batty.  And even if they know me I don’t know where they know me from or if they heard a song… and on top of all of that I don’t know if they even like me.   Some people like me but some people definitely don’t.  I always have to remember that as I’m trying to interact with people.  Some of my relationships are easy and natural but many of them are difficult and awkward.  I meet some people in my every day life who just look at me as some strange, disconnected guy.  Which would offend me more if I didn’t know for a fact that I am often a strange and disconnected guy for real.  I have brown hair and I’m kind of loose in the brain. This is old news to me, man.  

I am often up in my thoughts usually thinking about stuff that has nothing to do with the moment that I am in.  It actually seems to frustrate people.  But then I think about how them being frustrated isn’t really that big of a deal.  People get frustrated all of the time.  And if they don’t like me maybe it will make it easier for them to relate to other people who don’t like me and some good’ll come out of all of this anyway. 

That’s always my secret hope.  That good will come out of this.  ‘Cuz I know that I am good at saying things in cute ways but that doesn’t mean that I am always wise or intelligent.  It’s a little flimsy and inconsistent.  I have realized something though…

I am a 28 year old guy and I have overall been pretty good about following my dreams and doing what I think I want to do.  I have come into some criticism in the middle of it.  People like what you used to do or they think that you made a wrong turn someplace.  I have learned that with criticism you have to look at the critic.  Because most critics… I mean a very high amount of them… they are so dissatisfied with their own life that they criticize other people just for being happy.  I think of them as a “sideline critics”.  They are like guys who used to play football in high school and didn’t keep it up and now they regret it and just sit on the sidelines and complain all of the time.

Some critics are good and worth listening to.  I do know that a lot of us (yes, I am definitely part critic) just like the way our voice sounds when it’s coming out of our mouths or when it’s typed on a computer screen. 

Man, I really like the sound of my voice.  

I think it’s great.

I was just thinking about this.  I think to myself.  I criticize myself.  Not terribly harshly but I do think about my life and what I am doing and I wonder if I am making the right decisions.  Sometimes I feel very confident and sometimes I am incredibly doubtful of things I’ve done or said.  I have learned a lot in the process.

What I was thinking about though… I was thinking about all of the things that I am always so stressed about… all of the ridiculous fears… all of the vain dreams… all of the stuff I want that isn’t the best for me.  I was wondering how weighty it is to be so consumed by things that in the end just do not matter whatsoever.  And I am so so so so so easily distracted from things that are important and valuable.  I think that I am easily satisfied by a lot of very cheap things.

I am still pretty young but I know that there have been long years in my life where I have had absolutely no idea which direction is up and where I am just acting like a fool and feeling even smaller.  That is the strangest thing to me.  I can have these huge, monumental successes and be so glad and think that I can live off of them forever… and so a part of me turns off.  I quit fighting about whatever that thing was.  I believe that I have conquered it.  When in reality I conquered it that one time and then took a nap.  Then I got tired and the thing woke back up and beat me again just like old times.  

That sucks.

So now I feel like I’ve made peace with this trench-like-life.  I know that things are gonna come and mow me down.  I know that it’s gonna just keep on coming.  And I know that I am not much of a fighter.  And I mean that in a good way.  I choose my battles and I know that most battles are not battles that I want to be in.  I don’t want to get in goofy little arguments with people when whatever is at stake isn’t that important….


(shoot… I think I have to go… I was getting really into my rambling here… Maybe I’ll get back to this later… Probably should read this back over before posting it… Probably should do that…. Probably gonna post it and run…  Probably gonna’ do that…)

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