Hold Me (Back), Jesus…

(Note: This here was not originally written to be shared.  So if it seems a little too raw or causes you to think, “gosh Jeff might need to go see a psychiatrist”… well, I am doing just fine.  I read back over it later after some time had passed and realized that it might be worth sharing.  I realized that what I was attempting to articulate might help somebody else articulate something.  So, just so you know I am doing fine!  This is not a cry for help in case you were wondering…)    

 

I really don’t understand my life.  I am not enjoying it in a very serious way.  It is quite tiring to me.  I feel empty and somewhat paranoid of everything.  I am exhausted at the thought that I have shared so much with so many.  I am glad that whatever I have said has connected with them but I am troubled by the fact that some of what I have said has hurt people.  I feel a strong sense of guilt, almost as if some of my words have been quite difficult for some to hear.  This seems to stress me out to no end!  I seem to take my words too seriously, almost to an unhealthy point.  All I can think about is how worn out I get because of it.  My mind is so easily weighted down.  It’s got something to do with the connections I have made with people.  I cannot tell if they are all positive and I also cannot tell if I even care.  I have some friends with lives that seem to me to be incredibly sad.  I know that they enjoy themselves just fine but I often wonder myself.  I guess that I should just leave them be.  

This brings up another issue that I have been having.  I feel like an irritating type of person!  I think that I naturally have a very serious and dry personality.  A lot of people don’t know how to take it.  Or, I can’t tell if they are getting it enough.  This is so petty, but I think that I have become a very quiet person because of it.  I don’t know… I enjoy articulating things but lately I feel like I talk way too much… and I’m a writer!  Perhaps it is self doubt or something.  I think that my life is purposeful and important but I think lowly of it often, almost as a way of self preservation.  I seem to always be wishing that my life would slow down or ease up a lot.  I have moments during busier times when it seems as if a lot is coming at me too fast and I want to raise my hand up like a stop signal and say, “Whoa…”  My life just keeps coming at me in an overwhelming way.  I am often feeling crushed and unsure of what to do about it.  It brings out such and incredible and nervous pressure in my head.  It’s weird!

Also, I think that I am just plain tired.  I seem to only want to be asleep on my bed with the door closed to the outside world.  I feel so miserable and I don’t even think that it is warranted.  I know that I have a good life and I just don’t get why I am so easily blinded from the really great things that happen in it daily.  

I can’t tell if I am exaggerating when I say all of this.  It almost seems laughable.  Sometimes my brain seems to have a magnet to dark things and I am always praying to God to help me get through it.  

That sounds so heavy but it’s pretty much true!

I have been afraid to write about this stuff because I don’t want to cause anyone to worry.  My hands are in the air though and I mainly would just like for whatever my life is right now to pass.  It’s weird.  You know how you’re supposed to have a “positive attitude” and “power through” things?  I know that there are things that are very good but all I seem to be able to do is complain!  It’s a consistant and fruitful function of my head.

I don’t mean to be a downer here.  I really do feel very hopeful despite all of this junk.  I think that I am writing about it just to try to sort it out and make sense of it.  I know that I am not as alone as I make myself out to be.

It’s a struggle enough to try to stay positive.  When I was a kid I was so much more able to not think of what others might think of me.  Now, the things that I say and do frighten me and the fact that some people seem to be listening very well makes me unsure often. It brings out such deep insecurities.  People give me their thoughts and some of their comments are encouraging while some are just downright mean. I don’t know how to take them sometimes.  Some have said the most critical and abusive things that I have ever heard and when it comes at me after sharing so much of myself in a song or something, it can be EXTREMELY difficult to hear.  At times it seems that some people just need someone to lash out at and you are the punching bag (or person) that just happens to be standing in front of them.  I feel like I’ve been beat up just a little more than I’m willing to put up with.

There are some people that seem to cause a lot of pain and I sometimes wish that I had never met them.  It is just far too difficult!  I guess it can be pretty humbling to see how shallow you can be and how limited your cares can be for certain individuals.  I think that I have seen very clearly a side of myself that is just plain mean.  Arrogant people and know-it-all’s seem to bother me the most.  Some run their mouth as if everyone agrees with them or feels the same way that they do.  Those are usually the people who I want to punch in the face.  It seems that all they want to do is drag you into some petty argument where they are going to just take cheap jabs at you.  Some people seem to get so much pleasure in destroying others with their words and they never allow a word in edgewise.  I’ve found the best thing to do with a rapid-fire accuser is to just ignore them and keep moving.  Their words only hold water when you give them the time of day.  But the best way out of an abusive relationship is to cut all ties I have found.

That’s the thing though.  There is a U2 song called “Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down.”  The title says it all.  It is disgusting when a total dip shit can tear you down.  That’s where I’ve been though.  I wanna say to Bono, “I’ve failed!  The bastards have triumphed!  I have been beaten to a pulp by snotty little bullies!”

I am still trying to figure out what the right response is to this.  I know what I want to do but that’s all illegal.  I guess that’s why my enemies should be glad that I am a prayerful Christian.  I think that their survivals just might depend on my commitment to Jesus!  Even the commitment that they more than likely mock behind my back.  Jesus isn’t just saving me at that point, he’s saving them too!  

From me I mean.

 

Hmm…

I could probably keep going but I think I’m gonna stop right there.

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