Honey, I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel (Full Script)
Hey. Jeff here. I wanted to say a few words about this before you dive in. This was the first screenplay I ever finished. I think it was around June of 2010 when I did. This was after a long couple of years of trying to teach myself how to write screenplays. I'd always wanted to try it, way back in my mind, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. I had several false starts and I realized my biggest problem was that I was losing interest in my stories before I could get anywhere with them. I spent a few days trying to figure out what the heck I could write about and be interested enough to actually finish the thing. It was a combination of 3 things that sparked the idea for this story. 1) I was trying to find something to watch on TV late one night and "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid" was on. And I had this weird excitement and as I watched it I was trying to figure out why I liked stories about people getting shrunk or blown up. I decided it was because I was entertained by how they had to interact with everyday items in new ways because of their size. It just seemed interesting to me. I got a dime and drew a little stick figure on a piece of paper the size of it and tore it out and went around the house just seeing how big everything would be to someone that size. 2) One day when I was writing Entertainment Tonight came on the TV and they were talking about some celebrity couple that I just didn't care about and it was annoying me. Then I thought about Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard and how I was more interested in them as a celebrity couple. 3) I have a fascination with how people are always on the internet these days and how they intertact with others and make videos on youtube and all this. I wanted to write something about a geeky internet community. These things all came together one night and the title "Honey, I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel" came to my mind so I laughed and wrote it down quick. I decided to try writing it and had a lot of fun putting it together over about 6-8 weeks. I wouldn't say it's "Citizen Kane" but I was personally very proud of myself for finally finishing a longer piece of writing (which was a real challenge for somebody who mostly writes short things like songs!). I'm a little disappointed because I wrote this in screenplay format and I wish I could share it with all the right indentions and everything but I can't figure out how to do it on wordpress. Hopefully it will still make sense. I've posted a link to a downloadable pdf for this before but I think this will be much easier for people to read. My goal originally was for it to be 120 pages but I think it's only around 60. So it would probably end up being an hour TV special instead of a full length movie. It's supposed to be in the vein of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and "Being John Malkovich" with some sprinklings of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". That's what I was going for. And I should also add that I don't personally know Zooey Deschanel or Ben Gibbard or any of the real people in this story. I'm just a fan like the guys in the story (well, maybe not as BIG a fan as those guys..). Here you go. Honey, I Got Shrunk and Ended Up with Zooey Deschanel INT. A COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY OR NIGHT A mouse travels across a computer screen. The controller of it is never revealed. It goes about some normal web surfing for a moment. Suddenly, a link to a trailer for "Weirdo Love" pops up. The mouse goes over curiously and clicks it. The trailer for the movie plays. A gruff-voiced NARRATOR says these lines over brief images. Narrator (V.O.) This summer... A helicopter shot passing over a small town. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...see what happens... A front door opens mysteriously. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...when a shy artsy guy... A shy artsy guy scribbles into his notebook, trying not to be seen. NARRATOR (V.O.) ..with a low level of confidence... The shy artsy guy looks bashful. NARRATOR (V.O.) ..spots a bombshell... ZOOEY DESCHANEL flings her hair back over her head in slow motion. The shy artsy guy's mouth drops and his eyes expand. NARRATOR (V.O.) ...of the highest pedegree... In a big house a MAID hands Zooey a silver plate with vitamins on it. Maid Your vitamins, m' dear.. ZOOEY (knocks plate away) I HATE vitamins!!! NARRATOR (V.O.) ..and tries to woo her... Shy artsy guy is talking to Zooey, who is looking away, unimpressed. Shy Artsy Guy (looking at his shoes) I was just uh... wondering if you wanted to get some soda pop.. NARRATOR (V.O.) ..using techniques from popular culture. The shy artsy guy holds a boom box over his head (like in Say Anything) that is playing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston (like in The Bodyguard). NARRATOR (V.O.) He almost gets the girl... Zooey is standing next to him, suddenly smiling. ZOOEY You're kind of cute... NARRATOR (V.O.) Until he starts acting... Guy gets a devilish grin and his face starts to turn red like a cartoon. SHY ARTSY GUY (manically with his hands in the air) YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWZA!!!!!!!!!!! Zooey runs off, afraid. NARRATOR (V.O.) ..like a weirdo. Guy is alone, doing cartwheels in the sunset. The title hits the screen right as it's being said- NARRATOR (V.O.) Weirdo Love... this film is not yet rated. End trailer. The unseen user goes to google and types in "zoey deshenel".. This pulls up a list of sites. 4 down is one called www.thezooeyzone.com. The mouse clicks it. Now we're at The Zooey Zone Website. There are a few things going on but in the center of the page is a youtube video titled "Zooey Q & A This Saturday at _______!!!!" The mouse clicks it. The video loads and a hefty, bearded 25-year old guy is doing one of those talking-to-the-screen videos. This is BULL CAVE, the webmaster of The Zooey Zone. bull (straight to the camera) Hey hey hey, fellow Zooeyacs. I've got great news for any of you who are gonna be in the Los Angeles area this weekend. Our queen Zooey will be making a special appearance at _________. Sources tell me that there will be a live Q and A session and that she might be signing autographs. It's a promotional event for her new movie Weirdo Love, which as we all know comes out next weekend. Now, I wanted to let you guys know that I will personally be attending the event with my fellow Zooey Zone ambassador, Drew Hummer. He's the second-in- command-guy at the site and I've been showing him the ropes. This means that we will hopefully be able to do some videoing during the event. The goal is to get the footage up on the internet as soon as we can.... Anyway, I don't have much else to say. I hope to see some of you there in person... Okay, that's it. Video shuts off. INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - THURSDAY NIGHT Bull sits at his desk in a dark room, talking to his computer. This is him at the end of the recording we just saw. He starts to load it up to youtube and then he crawls into bed and stares at the screen as it goes through the loading process. INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING Bull is awake. It's the same room but now it's the next morning. Bull picks up his cell phone and dials a number. The phone rings 3 times and then goes to voice mail. Bull (into the phone) Hey man, it's me. I was just calling to remind you about Saturday. I'm sure you haven't forgotten. You're working I bet. Well anyway, I was just wanting to flesh out some details. Just give me a call whenever you get the chance. Peace. Hangs up. INT. MALL CELL PHONE STORE - FRIDAY MORNING A cell phone attached to a guy's belt goes off informing him that he has a new message. This is DREW HUMMER. He is the top salesman here at _______. He's in the middle of talking to a customer about a cell phone plan. Drew ... yeah, for your price range you really can't go wrong with this model. It's got this sleek, sexy design. A lot of college students are getting this one. They come in a few different colors... Black. White. Navy blue. Silver... a couple others. Customer That sounds nice. Are there any deals going on right now? Somebody told me you guys had some deals going. Drew As a matter of fact, I think we can do a buy-one-get-another- for-one-half-off thing. Customer That sounds perfect. Drew And what colors would you like? As he's saying this a girl the same age as Drew walks in. This is FAITH HAGGARD, Drew's girlfriend. They make eye contact. Faith knows the drill. Wait until he's done with the sale... Customer (continuing) Let's go one silver and one... do you have hot pink? Drew I think we might have a regular pink in the back. Customer Regular pink is fine. DRew I'll be right back. Drew walks quickly to the back and passes Faith. He looks at her. Drew One moment, Ma'am. Faith Take you're time... Drew runs into the back room for a second. Then he comes back out with the phone. He goes to ring up the customer. Faith looks around at the phones even though she's seen them many times already. Drew finishes up and the customer leaves. Faith comes up to the counter. Drew What's up? Faith How's it going today? Drew Not bad. I've made a few sales. It's been kinda slow though. Faith Yeah. Us too... Drew Did you just call me? Faith No. Drew Oh... Must've been Bull. Faith Oh, yeah... Bull. What do you think he wanted? Drew Did I tell you about that Zooey Deschanel Q & A thing we're gonna go to on Saturday? Faith looks away. Zooey Deschanel isn't her favorite topic. Faith Uh.. I don't know. Maybe. What is it? Drew It's a question and answer- Faith (cutting him off) I know what a Q & A is!! I mean... is this for that website ya'll do? Drew Yeah. He wants me to come so I can video tape him asking questions to Zooey. He's got these questions prepared and everything. Faith (rolling her eyes) I don't understand why ya'll do that. Drew, that guy is weird. I don't think you should help him with his website about Zooey Deschanel. Drew I don't know if I'll do it forever. It's good experience in a way. I'm learning about how to update websites and stuff. Faith That's fine but, I mean, I'm your girlfriend. It's weird that you spend all of this free time devoted to some girl you've never met. I guess I'm kinda jealous.. Drew Don't be jealous. I don't think it'll last very long. I just... I like Zooey Deschanel too. Faith Well, I like Robert Downey Jr. but I don't have a website devoted to him. Drew You should hear Bull talk about it. He's really passionate. Faith I'm not interested in talking to Bull about Zooey Deschanel! Have fun, Drew... Faith stomps out of the store, trying to prove her point. Drew watches her go, silently. INT. MALL FOOD COURT - LATE FRIDAY AFTERNOON Drew is sitting at a table in the mall finishing up his dinner. He's on a late break. He sips from his soda and picks up his cell phone and dials Bull's number. It rings a couple times and then- Drew Hey man. What's up? Bull Hey, thanks for calling me back. Are you still cool about tomorrow? Drew Yeah, definitely. What time does it start? BUll Well, the doors open at 9:30 and the event starts at 10:30. I wanted to get there early 'cuz I bet there's gonna be a crowd. Drew What time are you gonna pick me up? Bull How's nine? Drew Nine's good. Do you need me to bring anything? Bull Not really. Just your camera.. Any more questions? Drew Well, one thing.. Bull What's that? Drew I was telling Faith about the event and- Bull (cutting him off) Who's Faith? Drew Faith is my girlfriend. Bull (unimpressed) Oh yeah. Continue. Drew She's just kinda weirded out about the whole thing. She thinks I care more about Zooey than I do about her. Bull Well, she just needs to get over that. Zooey wouldn't do that. Drew I'm... I'm not dating Zooey, man. Bull (getting defensive) Listen man, if your girl is worth keeping then she'll get over that. And if not... well, maybe she isn't worth your time anyway. Drew We've been going out for 5 years! Bull Well, I've been waiting to talk to Zooey for 5 years! Drew Oh yeah? ...Uh... You know, I don't care about this argument. Bull I don't either. Drew See you at 9? Bull Cool They both hang up. INT. BULL'S MOM'S CAR - SATURDAY MORNING, 9 AM Bull pulls up in front of Drew's apartment. Drew sees the car, comes down and gets in the car. Bull Did you remember your camera? Drew Yeah, man. I've got it right here. Opens up his backpack to reveal his video camera. Bull This is gonna be radical... The car drives off. EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A IS - SAT. MORNING, 9:34 AM Bull and Drew arrive at the building where the Q & A is. They open up the trunk and get out a backpack with a camera in it. They walk towards the front door. Bull Do you think she'll look different in real life? I've never seen her in real life. Drew I don't know. Bull Is is weird to you that she's real? I keep thinking it's weird. I don't think of Zooey as a real person. Drew I guess she is. Yeah, that is kinda weird. Bull What if our lives change today? What if we see her and we become different people? What if our whole lives change? Drew Maybe it'll happen. This day already feels so different. Maybe this will blow our minds. Bull I hope it does. I always want that to happen to me. And I really believe it could happen today. Drew I'm nervous. Bull (with holy awe) I'm... ready. INT. THE LOBBY - SAT. MORNING, 9:35 AM Bull and Drew walk in through some spinning doors. As they do they look over and see a janitor that looks pissy, mopping the floor. He looks at them with a scowl. Bull and Drew both give a "hmm" look and continue walking towards the event room. INT. EVENT ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 9:36 AM Bull and Drew walk into a large room filled with many others their own age. It looks like a bunch of hipster kids. They find a spot on the floor and sit down. Some time passes. It's now 10:27. They look up at the stage and ZOOEY DESCHANEL walks in quietly and sits down at a table in front of a microphone. Wow. The event hasn't started yet. The crowd chatters. It's a nice, nervous energy. Zooey smiles at some of the people in the crowd. The HOST is on the other end of the table on the stage, flipping through some notes in preparation. Bull (motioning) Let's get as close as we can. Drew nods and follows Bull up to the front pretty close to the stage. They are 15 feet from Zooey. Wow. Bull (whispering loudly) She's still hot but she looks more normal in real life. Zooey can obviously hear him but she tries to act like she didn't. The host walks to the microphone with a few index cards in his hands. Host (professionally) Okay, I think we're ready to start. The people in the crowd wrap up their conversations and look at the stage. Host You may know today's guest from movies such as "Almost Famous", "Elf", "Yes Man" and "(500) Days of Summer". Well, she's here with us today to talk about her new movie, "Weirdo Love", which hits theaters next Friday. Please give a warm welcome to... Zooey Deschanel! The crowd cheers and claps. It isn't roaring but good for an audience full of shoe gazers. Zooey leans up to the microphone. Zooey Hello. Thanks for coming everybody. People in the crowd are smiling. Host Now Zooey, before we get too far, tell us a little about your new movie. Zooey Oh, okay. Yeah. I have a new movie coming out next Friday and it's called Weirdo Love. It's about this girl who's mad at this guy 'cuz he's being weird. Host And who plays the guy in the movie? Zooey The guy is played by the very talented ________. Host Wow... Can you describe what the process of making this movie was like? Zooey Sure. Um. It was a lot of fun. I don't want to bore anybody with the technical side of making movies. It's a lot of waiting until everybody is ready and then filming. Not as glamorous as you'd think, really. I liked the people I worked with. Host Now, how do you go about choosing a script? I bet you get a lot of them.. Zooey Well, I just try to keep reading them. I try to find characters that I identify with, who I think I can play well. It's different every time. Host Now, I was wondering.. do you ever feel typecast? Zooey Do you mean do I always feel like I'm playing "quirky" characters? Host Yeah. You seem to have carved out a certain genre almost. Zooey Well, I have my taste in movies. I try to make movies that I would want to see. Sometimes they don't end up how you thought they would. Movies really are a collaboration between a bunch of people that nobody ever sees. As far as always playing quirky characters, I guess I think of myself as a bit quirky anyway. I try to play the parts truthfully and the quirkiness seems to just come out. Host That's interesting. Looks out into the audience. HOST (continuing) I think we're gonna take a few questions from the audience now. Zooey Okay. Host Does anybody have any questions? A 14 year-old girl raises her hand. She looks like a young Zooey, only blonde. Girl (nervous) What would you tell to people who want to be actresses? Zooey Good question. I would say that first off, it's not as easy as you'd think. It's a tough business. At the same time it is very rewarding. If you feel serious about wanting to get into the movies than... well, living close to Hollywood is a good start. I'd say just try to meet other people who are making movies. And take some acting classes. And most importantly, don't give up. I've been doing this for a while and it's taken some time to get where I'm at. Just stick with it. Girl Thank you. The girl sits down. A guy, about 19 raises his hand and stands up. The host motions for him to go ahead. Guy Thank you. Uh.. I like your movies. I have a couple on D.V.D.. My friends like you too. Do you like what you do or... is there a part of it that you don't like? Zooey Let's see. First, thanks for saying that. And... I'll answer the first question. "Do I like what I do"? She thinks for a second. Zooey (continuing) Yes. I do. It can be stressful at times but it's worth it to me. Making movies is a lot of fun... and the second question... "is there a part of it that you don't like"? Um... I mean, the real every day stuff isn't very glamorous, like I was saying. Some people can be very mean. Critics can be mean... And doing interviews can be exhausting when you do them one after another and everybody has the same 3 questions. Guy Thanks. Zooey You're welcome. The guy sits down and another guy stands up. Another Guy I am a fan of your movies but I also really like your band, She & Him. How do you make movies and c.d.s and tour and all that? It sounds like a lot. Zooey Yeah. It is a lot! But... I like to keep busy when I can. I have some people who help me sort out my schedule months in advance. I couldn't keep up with all of it if I had to do it by myself. I can only do one thing at a time, contrary to what some people think. Another guy Thank you. Zooey No problem. The crowd giggles, smitten. Host I think we have time for a few more questions if anybody has any. Drew elbows Bull. Bull nods, steps forward and clears his throat. Drew points the camera at him. Bull (sheepishly) I have a question. Zooey Shoot. Bull (clicking into professional mode) Yeah. Uh. Bull Cave from The Zooey Zone Dot Com. We love what you do, Zooey. Thank you. Zooey Thank you. Bull Thank you. Bull forgets to talk for a second. Then he snaps out of it. Bull Oh yeah.. um... so, recently you were married to Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie... is that... good... or...I mean... Zooey (slightly offended but trying to be polite) Yes. It's very good. Ben is a great husband. Bull Oh. That's.. okay, thank you. The crowd is snickering at this. Bull is unfazed by everyone's reactions. He is in his own world, thinking about his question. A couple of seconds pass. The focus changes to the back of the room where the janitor from before is watching the Q & A. He has a grin on his face. There's something on his mind. INT. THE LOBBY - SATURDAY MORNING, 10:50 AM The janitor walks out of the room into the mostly empty lobby. We follow him as he crosses over to a door on the opposite side. This is his closet. He opens up the door and walks in. INT. THE JANITOR'S CLOSET - SATURDAY MORNING, 10:51 AM The closet is filled with a bunch of science fiction-looking stuff. This is where he must hide all of his belongings. The janitor spies a small ray gun-looking thing and picks it up. Then he picks up a Glamor Shots picture of a brunette woman. He kisses the photo. Janitor This is for you, _________. He walks back out the door and closes it from behind. INT. EVENT ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 11 AM The Q & A is wrapping up. The host thanks the crowd for coming. Everybody stands up and starts to talk to each other. Some are filing out. A line has formed in front of Zooey where she is giving out autographs. Bull We've gotta go meet her. Drew That's fine. Bull This might be the only time we ever get to meet her. Drew Yeah. Probably. They walk over and get in line. In the back of the room the janitor walks in. He has that strange look on his face. His eyes scan the crowd. He sees Zooey and the line and comes to stand in it, right behind a jittery Bull and Drew. Bull turns around for a second. He and the janitor make polite eye contact and do one of those nod things. Bull looks down for a second and sees the Diminishing Ray Gun in the janitors hands. His eyes go "What the-?!" Bull looks right at the janitor Bull What is that thing, man? Drew turns around and sees the situation. The janitor looks angry. They're onto him. He looks around and notices that a few people in the room are looking his way too. The janitor reacts quickly and shoots both Bull and Drew with the Diminishing Ray Gun. They shrink. He realizes that his plan has failed so he turns the gun on himself. He shrinks too. The gun is shrunken along with him. INT. EVENT ROOM FLOOR, UP CLOSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:05 AM Bull and Drew are dime-sized in the exact same spot where they were before. They look up and the crowd has become giant and they are reacting to what just happened with shock. They look over and see the janitor, about a football field distance away. He is small and angry and running in their direction. Bull and Drew are freaked out big time. They don't know what the janitor is planning to do. The just start running. They are headed in the direction of the wall near Zooey. They are running pretty fast. The crowd doesn't have a clue what just happened. As far as they know 3 people just disappeared. The guys run up close to a giant purse that's sitting on the floor. Then they hear Zooey say- Zooey (cool but panicking) This is crazy! I gotta get outta here! They see her stand up and walk towards them. They are confused, then- Drew I think that's Zooey's purse! They look back and see the janitor running towards them. Bull Come on! He grabs Drew and they both jump up onto the purse and start climbing into it. Zooey casually picks up her purse and walks out of the room. The janitor is on the floor and he sees them getting away. He is angry and jumping up and down screaming. Bull and Drew are in mid-climb on the top of her purse and looking back at the shrunken janitor who is shrinking in the distance. The janitor continues to throw a tantrum as somebody accidentally steps on him. This is a sudden and undramatic thing. Bull and Drew see this and cringe with a strange smile on their faces. They drop down into the purse. Some light is shining in but it's mostly pretty dark. Zooey walks briskly out the door of the lobby. EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A IS - SAT. MORNING, 11:10 AM Zooey walks out of the building, crosses the parking lot and gets into her car. A few leftover fans see her. She tries to walk quickly past them. She's ready to get home. She sets her purse in the passenger seat, starts the car, turns on some music and drives out of the parking lot. INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:11 AM Bull and Drew are laying sitting exhausted at the bottom of Zooey's purse. They are still in shock and trying to absorb what just happened. Drew (tired) What just happened? Bull (also tired) I... I'm not sure. I think we're in Zooey Deschanel's purse. Is that... is that what you think is happening? Drew I think.. I think we... got... shrunk. Bull Okay. This is too much. Did that guy in the line shoot us? Are we dead or something? Drew (trying to remember) Yeah... I think that guy shot us. But I think he got shrunk too. Bull Okay. Yeah, I remember that. Drew I think that guy got squished. Did you see that happen too? I think I'm going crazy. Bull No.. I saw that too. Maybe we're both crazy. Drew Well... where are we now? Bull Dude... I think we're in Zooey Deschanel's purse. INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:20 AM Zooey drives somewhat recklessly while losing herself in the music. The car jerks and her purse is thrown from the car seat to the floor board. INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:21 AM The guys have just been thrown around in the tumble of the purse. Everything is sideways from how it was just a few seconds before. Drew (feeling annoyed) Geez! Can this girl even drive?! Bull is silent. He doesn't want to say anything against Zooey. Then Zooey's giant cell phone rings. Maybe it's an interesting ring tone. The guys are sent back from the sound. INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:22 AM Zooey hears the phone. She turns the volume down on the stereo and reaches over towards her purse. The car is swerving and other cars are honking angrily at her (if cars are able to honk angrily). INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:22 AM Zooey's giant hands reach into the purse and narrowly miss the guys as she grabs her cell phone. The guys have to jump out of the way. The guys can overhear the conversation Zooey is having with the caller. Zooey (O.S.) ... hey... yeah... it went okay. At first. I'll have to tell you about what happened when I see you... No, honey something really crazy happened. You probably won't believe me.... I don't wanna tell you yet... I just don't... yeah... okay... okay... I'm headed home. I need to relax... okay... what time are you gonna be home again?... oh yeah. Well, I'll probably be asleep by then.. Okay... love you too... okay... bye. Zooey hangs up the phone. The guys are sitting and still trying to take in the reality of the situation. They look around the inside of the purse for a second. Drew Well, what are we supposed to be doing now? Bull (thinking) I don't know. Let's just ride this out for a minute. INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:30 AM Zooey continues to drive horribly. The music is off now. She's driving in the quiet. INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:30 AM The guys are both shaking their head in astonishment. They're somewhat frightened by her driving. Bull This girl is a horrible driver... but I'm still in love with her. Drew is silent. EXT. ZOOEY'S HOUSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:35 AM Zooey's car comes to a sudden stop outside of a house. Her purse is jolted around a little more. This is her house. INT. ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:35 AM Bull and Drew are knocked on the floor again. They are glad this car ride is over. INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SAT. MORNING, 11:36 AM Zooey grabs her purse and walks gets out of the car. She walks across the lawn and into the front door. INT. ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - SAT. MORNING, 11:37 AM Zooey walks in the front door and sets her purse down on the floor by the wall. Then she walks into the kitchen, which is the next room over. INT. UP CLOSE BY ZOOEY'S PURSE - SAT. MORNING, 11:37 AM Bull and Drew climb out of Zooey's purse and onto the ground next to it. They stand there for a second, looking at Zooey. She's getting a glass of water. Bull We need to figure out what's going on. Drew That sounds like a good idea. They look around for a second and see a gigantic couch not too far from them. Bull Let's go hide underneath that thing so we don't have to worry about getting stepped on. Drew Yeah. Okay. That's good. They walk towards the couch and then go underneath it. INT. UNDERNEATH ZOOEY'S COUCH - SAT. MORNING, 11:40 AM Once there they sit down, relieved to be safe finally. Drew You know.. Bull What? Drew (reaching in his pocket) Do you think my cell phone would work? Bull I don't know. I don't know what happens to things when they get shrunk. I've never been shrunken before. Drew tries to turn it on but it doesn't work. He tries a couple more times. It still doesn't work. Drew (changing the subject) I think we really need to figure out what's going on. Bull That's what I'm saying.... well... what do we know? Drew (thinking) I mean.. we're small. We're very small. Bull Okay. I get that. But how did we get small? Drew I guess when that guy shot us. Bull I thought that was a real gun. But it was a shrinking gun.. I didn't know those existed. Drew Me neither. I've never heard of this happening... other than in movies of course. Bull Why did that guy shoot us? What was going on with that guy? Drew He seemed mad and messed up. Wasn't he the janitor? Didn't we see him when we walked in? Bull (remembering) Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right about that. I remember thinking he looked strange even then. But I never thought the guy might shrink us... Drew Or get stepped on.. Bull Whoa. That's right! That guy did get stepped on. Drew Well, why do you think he had that gun? And why do you think he was in that room? Do you think- do you think he was trying to shrink Zooey?! Bull Whoa, I don't know. I don't know why a janitor would want to shrink Zooey Deschanel. Hmmm... They both walk to the edge of the couch and look into the kitchen towards Zooey who is still in there, washing dishes or something. Then she stops and comes back into the living room. She sits on the couch and turns on the TV. The guys stay put for a second. Bull Okay. How about this: What are our options? Drew Well, right now we're small. The only way I know to get big again is to find that gun and reverse it... and then shoot ourselves. Bull But we don't even know where that thing is.. or if it can even reverse! Drew Actually, it might be in the room where the Q & A was. I know the guy had it in his hands when he shrunk himself.. Do you think the gun shrunk with him? Do you think it got squished?! Bull How am I supposed to know that? So many strange things have happened in the last few hours. I can't remember everything! Drew Well, if we can't grow back... then what? Bull Duh! We'll be stuck small forever! Zooey laughs at the TV. Drew (listening) I feel sorta weird here. I feel like we're imposing on her privacy. It's like we're flies on her wall. Bull No. We're like flies on her floor... underneath her couch. Drew Well... doesn't it make you feel creepy? Bull I don't know. Drew What does Zooey Deschanel even mean to you? Bull I don't know. It's weird to see her in real life. I guess I don't think of her as a normal person. I don't think of her as somebody who watches TV and laughs at it. She continues laughing. The guys are quiet for a second. Drew Something about this seems wrong. Bull Well, what are we supposed to do? We're shrunken! Maybe we can leave. Where do you think we should go? Drew I don't know! Sorry. I don't know. Zooey laughs again. Bull (consoling a little) ...Let's just stay small for a little while. This isn't so bad. Drew is silent. He doesn't know what to say. Zooey is still laughing on the couch above. Bull and Drew sit down and watch TV too. This isn't so bad. In fact... this is kinda nice.. Almost 2 hours pass and the guys are still in the same place. Zooey has fallen asleep. Drew You know, I'm getting pretty hungry. Bull Yeah. Me too. The guys stand up and start walking to the kitchen that is miles away. A clock on the wall goes from 1:30 PM to 3:30 PM. Now they are in the kitchen, on the floor. INT. KITCHEN FLOOR - SAT. AFTERNOON, 3:30 PM Bull and Drew are pretty tired from the long walk. They're looking up high into the giant kitchen. Drew Oh my gosh I'm so hungry! Bull We'll find something. There's gotta be something that we can get to without having climb anything. Drew (hungry but disgusted) Are we gonna have to eat something off the floor? Bull I don't know. What if it's all we can find? Drew (doesn't like the idea) Yekkk! Bull Whoa! Look out!! Zooey has just walked into the kitchen. She steps dangerously close to the guys but they dive out of the way. She is rinsing off a glass in the sink and then she opens up the dishwashing machine, which is right above their heads. Drew (quickly) Hey! I've got an idea. Come on!! Bull Huh? Drew runs and jumps on Zooey's shoe with Bull close behind. They climb up to her ankle and then onto the edge of the open dishwashing machine. Bull Okay. Now what? Suddenly Zooey reaches down to close the dishwasher. Drew (close to panic) Try to get on the top of it when it closes!!! They move quickly and the dishwasher closes with them on the very tip top of it, not inside. They are now only a few inches from the kitchen counter. Bull Wow! Did that just happen? Drew YEAH!! They look over and a few threads of a towel are hanging over the edge of the counter. This is one of those towels where you put wet dishes so they can dry. Bull Hey, isn't that convenient! They climb up the thread and onto the counter. INT. KITCHEN COUNTER - SAT. AFTERNOON 3:50 PM Bull is looking down over the edge carefully but feeling impressed. Bull Can you believe that we just did that?! Drew Just about as easily as I can believe that we got shrunk and ended up at Zooey Deschanel's house. Bull No one will ever believe us. Drew I don't even believe us! Bull Yeah! I'd think we were crazy!! Maybe we are! Drew Let's eat some food. Bull Yep. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!! They turn around and there is a bunch of fruit and bread and stuff. They are amazed and run towards it. Then Drew stops. Drew Wait! Wait. This isn't our food. This is Zooey's food. Is it bad for us to eat it? Bull Dude, look at us! We're the size of a dime! How much can we eat, really? A few crumbs maybe? Do you think Zooey will miss a few crumbs of something? Drew Probably not, I guess. Bull Come on! They run to the food and start eating. Half an hour passes. They are sitting down, full and sleepy. They can hear Zooey in the other room playing a guitar and singing. This makes them even more sleepier. Drew If we're gonna fall asleep, do you think we should go someplace safer? Bull Maybe behind the cookie jar? Drew Yeah, I guess. At least where they can't see us. It would probably be a good idea to stay here close to the food. Bull Yeah.. I'm feeling pretty tired. Drew Me too. What time is it? They start to walk towards the cookie jar. Bull That clock over there says it's about 4 o'clock. Drew Whoa! That's it? It feels like more time has passed. Bull Do you think getting shrunk affects the way time passes? Drew I don't know! I doubt it. It just seems like so much has happened today. They get to the cookie jar. There are a few other things next to it so they've got some good safe space back there. INT. BEHIND THE COOKIE JAR - SAT. AFTERNOON 4:03 PM Bull I'm gonna take a nap right here. He lays down. Drew Okay. I'm gonna sleep here. Bull Okay. Well, don't wake me up unless we're about to get killed by something. Drew Yeah, okay. I don't know how long I'll sleep. Bull Just don't bother me if you wake up. I'm tired. Drew I'm tired too. Bull I'm really tired. They go to sleep. Suddenly there is a loud sound of the front door opening. Both Bull and Drew wake up. It's dark now. They jump up and look around the side of the cookie jar. There is a figure walking in in the dark. They are scared. Drew (groggily) Who is that!? Is that a burglar?! Bull No, dummy! It's probably Ben Gibbard... Zooey's husband! Drew Oh yeah! I forgot she's married. Why did I forget that? Bull I don't know. Maybe 'cuz we've been hanging out with her... or at her house.. without anybody else here... like a regular-sized person. They walk back behind the cookie jar. Drew This is just too weird.. We really need to formulate a plan. We've gotta get back to regular size and out from behind this cookie jar. Bull Well, we'll have all day tomorrow to think about that. I'm going back to sleep. Bull lays back down and closes his eyes. Drew goes back to his spot and does the same. INT. BEHIND THE COOKIE JAR - SUNDAY MORNING 8:15 AM Drew is shaking Bull awake. Drew Hey, man! Wake up!! You've gotta see this! Bull (half asleep) What? What's going on? Drew Come here. There's something over here that you should see. Bull (yawning) What time is it? Drew It's a little after 8. You've been asleep for a pretty long time. Bull We're still shrunken, right? Drew Yep. Bull Of course. Bull stands up stiffly. He stretches for a second. Drew tries to wave him over to look around the corner of the cookie jar. Drew Seriously, you should see this. Bull follows. They turn the corner and Zooey and Ben are sitting at the kitchen table talking. BULL Whoa. Both of them right there. In the same place. Who woulda' thought.. INT. ZOOEY AND BEN'S KITCHEN - 8:16 AM Zooey and Ben are sitting at the kitchen table, finishing up breakfast. Bull and Drew look on though unseen. ZOOEY ...it was just weird. These Q & A things are normally okay. You think I'm crazy I guess. Ben Well, you just said that 2, maybe 3 people disappeared at your Q & A. Zooey That's EXACTLY what happened! They VANISHED! There are witnesses. Other people saw it too. Ben Zooey. That's just so abnormal. ZOOEY You think I've lost my mind? Ben No.. no, I don't know what to think. You normally don't say crazy stuff like this. ZOOEY That's because I normally don't SEE crazy stuff like this! Ben You know, maybe you just need to slow down a little. I mean, you're in a couple movies a year and a band. Maybe you just need a break. I don't know. ZOOEY Ben, I don't think that's what it is. I'm pretty good at managing my time. Ben Is it.. is it me? Has getting married complicated your life too much? ZOOEY (shocked) Ben! No. Don't say that. You're a good part of my life. They sit in silence for a couple of seconds, picking at their food. ZOOEY (continuing) You know, I have been pretty busy. This used to not be so hard. I like making movies and music but some of it is so annoying. Ben What do you mean? ZOOEY I get tired of these stupid interviews. I know it helps get people to see the movies but... it's all the same questions over and over again. It drives me batty.. Ben It's 'cuz you're an artist. ZOOEY That's somewhat comforting. Ben and Zooey finish up at the table and take their dishes to the sink. They come pretty close to Bull and Drew, who have to scoot back behind the cookie jar a little more to avoid being seen or smashed by the dishes. ZOOEY (changing the subject) What time is your band practice again? Ben We're supposed to be there at 9. Of course we probably won't get started until 10 or so. And we'll go for a few hours. Probably 'til 4. ZOOEY (looking at the time) That's pretty soon.... what time do you think you'll be home? Ben Uh... maybe 5.. maybe 6... maybe earlier. Hopefully earlier. Do you have any plans for the day? ZOOEY Not really. Probably just gonna hang out around here. They walk out of the room and their conversation continues but fades away. INT. KITCHEN COUNTER - SUNDAY MORNING 8:28 AM Bull and Drew pick up some more crumbs to munch on and think about the conversation they just saw. BULL We sure are voyeuristic. Drew Duh. What'd you think about what they were talking about? BULL What part? Drew Did you hear Zooey say that she thinks we disappeared? BULL I guess it makes sense that she would see it that way. I mean, from her perspective that's exactly what happened. Drew I wonder what our families are thinking right now. Nobody even knows where we are. I wonder what Faith is thinking. I bet she's called me 50 times. BULL That girl is wacko, man. This would be a good time to let her down easy. Drew She thinks you're wacko too. But you know, I bet ya'll would get along if you ever hung out. BULL She probably thinks I'm a hermit who lives with his parents and is always on the computer. Drew Well, that's what you are, man. Faith is cool. She's nice. She's overprotective sometimes but... I guess it just makes me feel appreciated. BULL She's acts like she's your mother. Drew Not all the time. BULL (joking) Just from my perspective. Drew (brushing it off) So what are we gonna do, man? We need to make a decision. BULL Decision? Drew Are we gonna stay tiny or try to get bigger? BULL (knowing that he's wrong) Tiny? They look in the other room and see Ben's guitar case sitting by the door. Drew Are you thinking what I'm thinking? BULL I have no idea what you're thinking. Drew Come on! Drew starts to run towards the edge of the kitchen counter. BULL Wait! What are you thinking? Drew We've gotta get to that guitar case. Ben is leaving pretty soon. Zooey isn't going anywhere today. We've got to get out of this house. And I think that guitar case is our ticket. BULL But I like it here. Drew We can't stay here, Bull! BULL Why not? Drew We just can't! This isn't right. BULL It's not so bad. Drew Dude. This is wrong! We have to go. And if we don't go now we'll be stuck here all day! Bull looks at the guitar case and at the time. BULL How the heck are we supposed to get there in time? It took us all afternoon to travel that far yesterday! Drew I'm thinking... Drew looks around and sees a grocery list a few feet over from where they are. He runs over to it. BULL What are you doing? Drew I'm gonna make a paper airplane so we can fly over there. BULL What is this, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!? That stuff doesn't work! Drew Well, how do you know? Come on. BULL I can't believe this... Drew What's so hard to believe about making a giant paper airplane to fly 2 shrunken guys to a giant guitar case? BULL Please quit talking. They go to the grocery list and fold it up into an airplane. It doesn't take too long. They point it in the right direction. BULL Do you really think this will work? Drew Not really. BULL Why are we doing this again? Drew 'Cuz we're crazy shrunken people. Let's go!!! Both guys run and push off. The plane flies in the direction of the guitar case. It's going pretty fast. They cross into the living room. INT. BEN & ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - SUN. MORNING 8:45 AM Drew Jump off!! Both guys jump off and land about 5 feet from the guitar case. They are laying on the ground, a little frazzled but okay. BULL (looking at the guitar case) Wow! We really did get close!! That was seriously amazing! Drew (impressed) I can't believe that actually sort of worked. We're pretty good at being small. They can hear Ben walking in their direction but they can't see him yet. Drew Hurry! Both guys run and jump onto the guitar case and climb inside. Ben walks in, followed by Zooey. ZOOEY Have a good practice. Ben Thanks, Babe. Enjoy the day for me. They do a quick smooch and then Ben picks up his guitar case and walks out the door. INT. INSIDE BEN'S GUITAR CASE - SUN. MORNING 8:47 AM Bull and Drew sway back and forth as Ben carries his guitar case across the line. BULL What are you thinking, man? Drew (thinking) Hold on, I'm still thinking... EXT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 8:48 AM Ben puts his guitar case in the back seat, gets in, starts the car and drives off. INT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 8:49 AM As Ben drives, Bull and Drew climb out of the guitar case. Drew leads Bull on a hike up Ben's leg and all the way to Ben's front shirt pocket. Somehow, Ben doesn't see or feel them and they get to the pocket just as he pulls into a gas station and turns the car off. Ben gets out of the car and goes into the gas station to get some cigarettes or gum ( I don't know if he smokes or not). INT. GAS STATION - SUN. MORNING 9:00 AM He waits in line to pay the cashier. The guys are still in his pocket. BULL What are we doing? Drew We're waiting for the right moment. BULL To do what? Drew To get Ben's attention. Ben pays, puts the cigarettes (or gum) in his pocket and walks back outside. The cigarettes (or gum) land right next to Bull and Drew. EXT. GAS STATION - SUN. MORNING 9:02 AM On his way back to his car, Ben is confronted by 2 Death Cab For Cutie fans. FAN # (to the other) It's Ben Gibbard! FAN # Whoa! FAN # (to Ben) Ben Gibbard. Hi. You're Ben Gibbard. Ben I'm Ben Gibbard. Yes. FAN # We love your music. We are your biggest fans. Ben Oh. Thank you. FAN # Um.. do you care if we take a picture with you? Ben That's fine. One of the fans pulls out a camera. They pose next to Ben. He smiles politely and they take the picture. FAN # Thanks again! Ben Yeah. Thank you. Ya'll take care. FAN # You take care too, Ben Gibbard! Ben Okay... Alright.. see ya'll later. Ben walks away from the fans and back to his car. This is a pretty normal thing for him so he isn't very annoyed by it. INT. BEN'S CAR - SUN. MORNING 9:05 AM Ben starts his car and drives off. As he does, he reaches into his pocket to grab a cigarette (or stick of gum). Drew notices what's happening and without thinking jumps onto Ben's fingers as he's lifting the cigarette (or gum) to his mouth. Bull is wide-eyed. As Ben puts the cigarette (or gum) to his mouth, Drew jumps off Ben's fingers and into his beard. Then he climbs up his beard to the hair on top of his head. Ben quickly brushes his beard with his hand, thinking there's a bug in his beard. He misses Drew by a few centimeters. Drew climbs down into Ben's ear and shouts- Drew BEN!!!! Ben freaks out and shakes his head. He thinks he's crazy for a second. He might swerve a little in traffic. Drew falls all the way back down to the car seat, in minor shock. Bull looks out from Ben's shirt pocket and see's Drew in the car seat. Ben's car stops and he turns the engine off. He's at the practice space. Bull stays put in Ben's pocket. Drew runs back to the guitar case in the back seat and climbs in. Ben gets out of the car and walks quickly into the building. INT. INSIDE BEN'S GUITAR CASE - SUN. MORNING 9:10 AM Drew hears Ben leave the car and realizes that he's been left behind. There are a couple of beats of him afraid about this. EXT. PRACTICE SPACE BUILDING - SUN. MORNING 9:11 AM Suddenly, Ben walks back out the door because he forgot his guitar case. He quickly grabs the case and runs back in the building. Inside the case Drew is relieved. INT. DEATH CAB PRACTICE SPACE - SUN. MORNING 9:12 AM Ben walks in the room, guitar case in hand, and greets the other members of the band. They are already plugged in and ready to go. They've been warming up. Ben Okay. Sorry, I'm late guys. What's going on? What are we playing? Chris Walla Let's run through ______ (some Death Cab song). Ben Cool. JASON MCGERR counts off and the band starts playing. During the intro, Ben opens up his guitar case and pulls it out. He plugs it in, does a quick tune and checks the levels and starts playing along with everybody else. As Ben plays the guitar it is revealed that Drew is holding onto the guitar for dear life. Meanwhile, Bull is still in Ben's front shirt pocket. As the band continues to play, Drew gets a better footing on Ben's guitar and is trying to get Ben's attention. It isn't working too well. Ben swings the guitar and Drew loses his grip and balance and falls off onto the floor below. Bull sees this and realizes that it's his turn to act. He climbs out of Ben's pocket and up to his face. Ben is singing pretty close to the microphone right now. Bull takes a flying leap to the microphone when Ben is close. He lands on the microphone somehow. Bull climbs down to the microphone and talks directly into it. His little voice booms through the monitors in the middle of their song. BULL's voice DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? The band continues to play, each member thinking he's hearing something. Bull tries again. Bull's voice DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE! ATTENTION DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!! The song comes to a sudden halt. Nick Harmer WHAT is GOING ON?!?! Ben Did you guys hear that?! BUll's Voice DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!! CAN YOU HEAR ME DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE?! Ben Yes. Death Cab for Cutie can hear you! Who is that? What is happening right now? Bull's voice Please hear me out. My name is Bull and I have been shrunken. Chris Walla What?! Shrunken? Huh? Bull's Voice Please give me a moment to explain myself. Ben That's fine. Please explain yourself. BULL'S VOICE I was shrunken yesterday with my friend Drew, who is somewhere around here. Probably on the floor somewhere. The band looks around on the ground quickly, suddenly afraid of stepping on a tiny man. Bull's voice (cont.) I was at a Zooey Deschanel Q & A and a man... a janitor actually... came and shot both me and Drew. Ben Wait. Zooey, might have told me about this. She said you guys disappeared. I didn't know what she was talking about. Are you trying to say that you guys were... shrunken instead!? BULL'S VOICE Yes. We were shrunken and then the guy who shrunk us shrunk himself. Chris walla The janitor guy? He shrunk too? BULL'S VOICE Precisely. But then somebody stepped on him. So he's dead now. Ben Wow. Really? That's gross. And awful. How did you get to our practice? Did you turn into a ghost? BULL'S VOICE No. Drew and I are both still alive, only we are the size of dimes! Nick Harmer Wait a second. Where are you, Bull? BULL'S VOICE I'm hanging onto Ben's microphone and talking into it so you guys can hear me. The whole band seems amazed by this and they crowd around close to the microphone and sure enough they can see Bull, who is waving at them. Chris walla Wow! Look at him! He really is tiny! That's crazy! Jason McGerr Why are you here, little guy? BULL'S VOICE It's kind of a long story but we got in Zooey's purse and followed her to her house and spent the night there. This was the wrong thing to say. Ben Wait. Are you saying that you guys have been riding in my wife's purse and living at our house?! BULL'S VOICE Well, we were under your couch for a little while... and we slept in your kitchen, behind your cookie jar. Oh, and we ate some of your food. Not very much of course. Ben This happened all yesterday and last night? BULL'S VOICE Yeah. We've been watching your wife... Ben (getting bothered) Dude, you are saying the wrong things here. I was feeling sorry for you when you said you got shrunk but now you're saying that you were inside my wife's purse and living in our kitchen. Dude, that bothers me! That's seriously disturbing. And how much of our food did you eat? BULL'S VOICE Seriously. It wasn't very much. Like a few crumbs. We're so small, you know. It didn't take a lot to fill us up. Ben And where is your friend? I don't like this.. BULL'S VOICE I don't know exactly. Maybe by the guitar case... on the floor.. Little Bull points at little Drew who is waving from the floor by the case. NICK HARMER That is freaking weird! Ben picks up the little Drew by the shirt, careful not to squish him. Drew is kicking and screaming though nobody can hear him. Ben stares at Drew, angry. Ben I'll be right back. Ben walks out of the room for a second and comes back with an empty jar. Ben I don't know what to do with you guys yet but until I figure it out, you're both going in this jar. BULL'S VOICE NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S a GOOD IDE----- Bull's comment is cut short as Ben pulls him away from the microphone and puts him and Drew in the jar. He sets it down on a table or a bench and then punches a couple of breathing holes in the top. Bull and Drew stand there and look out as Death Cab for Cutie stares them down. INT. BEN AND ZOOEY'S HOUSE - SUNDAY MORNING 9:30 AM Zooey is sitting on a chair somewhere, strumming her guitar and singing to herself. Suddenly the phone rings so she gets snapped out of her concentration. She picks up the phone. ZOOEY (into the phone) Hello? Hey...huh? Wait. Slow down?.... shrunken? ....no... oh my.. since yesterday?... hmmm...that's unbelievable... so I'm not crazy... Okay... I'm on my way. Zooey hangs up the phone. INT. ZOOEY'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING, 9:32 AM Zooey drives manically to the practice space. INT. DEATH CAB PRACTICE SPACE - SUN. MORNING 9:45 AM Close up on Bull and Drew, who look pretty nervous, not sure what's going on or what Ben is planning for them. Zooey bursts in, she's pissed and confused. The first thing she does is walk over to the jar that is sitting in the middle of the room on a bench and seems to be the center of attention, of course. ZOOEY (looking at Bull and Drew) Holy crap. There really are shrunken guys in there! Are there any more? How did this happen? Ben (trying to calm her down) I don't know. We just found them. One was talking to us from the microphone. I think they were trying to get our attention. But... this is just too weird. Bull is waving his hands at Zooey. ZOOEY It looks like one of 'em wants to say more. Ben It's your call, Ma'am. Whatever you want to do. ZOOEY Well, I can't say I don't have any questions.. Quick cut to Bull standing in front of the giant microphone again. Drew is standing next to him. ZOOEY Okay, so who are you guys? BULL My name is Bull and that guy is Drew. We run a website that's devoted to you. We are fans, Zooey. And we didn't mean for any of this to happen. ZOOEY What kind of website? Is it one of those ones that puts celebrity faces on pictures of naked bodies and stuff? BULL NO! No Way! We are a tasteful site. It's called The Zooey Zone. We have great respect for your gifts. We try to celebrate your movies and music. ZOOEY (semi flattered) Why do you do that exactly? BULL We think you're great, Zooey. We're just fans. Ben (getting frustrated) Wait! So how did you guys get shrunken? And why are you here? BULL This guy just came up and shot us with his shrinking gun thing. I don't know how that worked. But he shrank himself. And... we think he may have been meaning to shrink Zooey.. ZOOEY (shocked) WHAT?! Drew (entering the conversation) We don't know for sure! There's no way to know at this point. And he's dead now so... the mystery died with him.. Ben (disappointed) How unsatisfying... BULL The thing is... please don't be angry. We didn't mean to get shrunk. We're just trying to figure out what to do now. Please. Please don't squish us. Ben (to Bull and Drew) Zooey and I need to speak separately for a second, okay? Ben pulls Zooey aside and they talk quietly to each other so Bull and Drew can't hear them. Ben What are we gonna do? ZOOEY What can we do? Ben We can't keep 'em. I think they want us to in a way. But.. we can't do that. I mean, they probably have lives to get back to. Do you think they have lives to get back to? ZOOEY I don't know! I hope they do! But you're right. We can't keep them here. Do you think.... do you think it's possible to grow them back? And then put a restraining order on them or something? Ben We've gotta' do something. ZOOEY (hmmmm) I think I might have an idea! Put the guys back in the jar and come with me to the car! Ben Is it okay if I drive? INT. BEN OR ZOOEY'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING 10:15 AM Ben is driving and Zooey is holding the jar with the guys. ZOOEY I think we should go back to the_______ where my Q & A was. If that ray gun thing is anywhere, maybe it's on the ground someplace. Maybe it got shrunken itself in the hubbub. I think... I remember the gun disappearing too. Ben (impressed) You know, that's the best idea I've heard. ZOOEY I hope this works. EXT. BUILDING WHERE THE Q & A WAS - SUNDAY MORNING 10:25 AM The car pulls into the parking lot of the building. It's pretty empty, this being Sunday morning and all. They get out of the car and walk towards the front door, holding the jar. Ben Do you think we'll be able to get in? It looks like they're closed. ZOOEY (looking in the window) There's gotta' be somebody inside. Ben Even if they're is somebody here, do you think they'll let us in? ZOOEY Absolutely. We're Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard. We'll get in. A security guard inside sees them and walks over, unlocks the door and cracks it open so he can talk to them. Security guard Can I help you? ZOOEY I'm Zooey Deschanel and I was here yesterday. Security guard I know who you are. ZOOEY Well, I think I forgot something in the building yesterday. Security guard Oh yeah? You think I'm gonna' just let you in? ZOOEY Well... Security guard Mrs. Deschanel. Mr. Gibbard. Let's cut the crap. You didn't leave anything in the building, did you? ZOOEY (caught) Uh.. no. SECURITY GUARD I wasn't here yesterday but I heard what happened. About the... disappearances... ZOOEY Uh huh.. Security guard There was a janitor who worked here. He was one of the ones who... disappeared. ZOOEY Right.. Security guard But we all know what happened, right? ZOOEY ...sorta. Security guard That guy was only working here for a few weeks. They did a background check on him before they hired him and they found out that he'd spent some time in a mental institution claiming that he wanted to... shrink celebrities. ZOOEY (not surprised but pretending) Wow. Ben Listen. You've figured most of it out but let me help you. We found these two shrunken guys at my band practice this morning and they said they got shrunk yesterday at Zooey's Q & A... and they've been following us... and... we've gotta' get them grown back to regular size if possible. Security guard So they're still alive, huh? Ben Yeah. See? Ben holds the jar up to the security guard's face. He's amazed. SECURITY GUARD Wow. So that crazy janitor was partly right... at least about trying to shrink people. My guess is that he was trying to shoot you, Mrs. Deschanel. Good thing those tiny guys got in the way... it coulda' been you in that jar. Zooey and Ben hadn't really thought of it that way. Ben Can you help us? Security guard Do you know what it is you're looking for? ZOOEY It's some kind of shrinking ray gun... but it's shrunken. SECURITY GUARD Could this be it? He holds up the palm of his hand. At first it looks like there's nothing in it. Then Ben and Zooey strain a little and can see the tiny gun. SECURITY GUARD I had a bit of a head's up about the janitor. After the situation yesterday I did a quick search of the area. You know, that gun is pretty small. Those miniature guys might have to UNshrink themselves. Ben looks at Zooey and they agree without having to talk about it to let the guys out of the jar and give them the gun. They unscrew the top and set it on the ground. Bull and Drew walk out. Then the security guard squats down and sets the gun next to them. Up close at Bull and Drew: Drew They're gonna let us try to unshrink ourselves. That's nice of them. BULL (picking up the gun) Yeah. Do you think this will work? Drew I don't know. Bull looks at the side of the gun. There is a reverse switch. BULL Maybe this will do it. He switches the switch. BULL Well, who's first? Drew I'll go first if you want. BULL Okay. If I don't see you again, tell Zooey that I love her. Drew (lying) Will do. Bull points the gun at Drew and pulls the trigger. Drew grows back to regular size. He looks down. Everything seems to be fine. Everybody is smiling. Ben Hey! Welcome back to regular size, man. Drew Hey. Thanks! Suddenly Bull appears next to him. He seems to be fine too. ZOOEY Wow. So ya'll really did shrink? BULL Hi, Zooey. ZOOEY Okay. Yeah. Hello. The guys are really happy and high five each other. Then they try to high five Ben and Zooey. They let them. Everybody high fives each other, even the security guard. Ben Let's get outta' here! He and Zooey walk towards their car. Bull and Drew follow. Ben turns around. Ben Nope. You guys can't come with us. You've gotta' go back and live your lives. BULL But.. but... Ben No. No "buts". We've gotta' go. Me and Zooey. Ya'll go somewhere else. Ben and Zooey climb into the car (Zooey is in the driver's seat). ZOOEY (as she starts the car) And don't talk about this in The Zooey Zone! The car revs and they take off. Zooey's driving is questionable. Bull and Drew look at each other. They sigh. That's that. INT. BULL'S MOM'S CAR - SUNDAY MORNING 11:03 AM Bull and Drew drive out of the parking lot. Drew What a wild weekend. I couldn't have predicted any of that. BULL Yeah. I wish we found out more about that janitor. And... it seems like after all that happened we should've ended up friends with Ben and Zooey but... Drew Well, at least we grew back to normal size. BULL Yeah. I think this is the size we were meant to be. Drew Yeah. They continue driving. NExt DAy INT. MALL CELL PHONE STORE - MONDAY EVENING 6:30 PM Drew is back in the cell phone store, finishing up with a customer. A familiar voice comes in: Voice You look shorter. Drew turns around. It's Faith. Drew Shorter? No. I think I'm... regular size.. Faith Where have you been, man? I've called you a million times. Did you get any of my messages? Drew Well, I was gonna call you back tonight after I get off. Yeah. I got some of your messages. Sorry. This has been a... weird weekend. Faith Well, I was worried about you. I'm glad to see that you're alive. Drew I'm alive... I... Faith Drew. Listen. I want to ask you something. Drew Okay. What? Faith (nervously) Um.. do I overwhelm you? I mean... am I scaring you off? Drew (hesitant) I don't know. Faith I think I am. I don't mean to be like that. It's just that... I just like you a lot. I'm.. I'm sorry if I act weird about it. Drew You're fine. It's okay. I like you a lot too. I just don't know what to do about it all the time. I don't want you to think I don't care. I care. I just care at a more normal amount maybe. Faith laughs at this. They have a little huggy/kissy moment. Smiles. INT. BEN AND ZOOEY'S LIVING ROOM - MONDAY NIGHT 6:55 PM Ben and Zooey are spooning on the couch, watching TV. Ben (whispering in her ear) Think there are any more shrunken guys in our house? ZOOEY (smiling) I sure hope not. Ben Listen, if any more turn up, will you let me squish them? ZOOEY Yes. You can squish them. Ben That was not normal at all. ZOOEY No. Ben Your new movie comes out next weekend. ZOOEY Yeah. ben And your new c.d. comes out next month. ZOOEY It's true. Ben Good thing you're all over the internet or I'd never see you. Zooey elbows Ben in the ribs. INT. BULL'S BASEMENT OFFICE/BEDROOM - MONDAY NIGHT 7:00 PM Bull walks into his domain and sits down at his computer. He's looking at pictures of Zooey on the internet. He looks sad. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. It's his mother. Bull's Mom Hey, Scooter. How was your weekend? BULL It was great. Best weekend ever. Bull's Mom Did you get to see Zooey? BULL Yeah. Bull's mom Did you get to ask her any questions? BULL Yeah. She wasn't as friendly as I was hoping. Bull's mom Really? Sorry to hear that. BULL It's okay. I don't know what I was expecting. BULL'S MOM Well, I'm making some pizza for dinner. Want some? BULL Pizza sounds really good. Bull's mom I love you, Bull. BULL I love you too, Mom. As his mother shuts the door, Bull is smiling politely. Then he turns to the computer screen with a cold look in his eyes. He stares at Zooey. Then he looks down and opens up a desk drawer. The Diminishing Ray is sitting in it. Bull reaches down and turns the reverse switch back. Then he shuts the drawer again and looks back at the computer screen. Zooey is staring back at him. The mouse on the computer screen goes up to the corner of the window and closes it out. Cut to black. The End
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